Question: What did the policeman say to the condom? Answer: Cover me -- I'm goin' in! :
Doctor to sexy female patient: What's the problem? She removes her shirt. Doctor sees backward letter "P" on her chest. Doc: What happened? She: My boyfriend and I made love last night. He wore a letter sweater. He goes to Princeton. His letter pressed :
in my chest. Is there anything you can do? Doctor gives her some salve to apply. Next patient comes in, takes off her shirt. There's a backward letter "B" on her chest. Doctor: What happened? She: Oh -- my boyfriend goes to Boston University. Next woman :
comes in, removes her shirt, there's a letter "M" on her chest. Doctor: Don't tell me -- you have a boyfriend who goes to the University of Maryland. She: No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin U. :
Inexperienced Guy In Brothel: I've never done this, what do you suggest? Hooker: 69 is quite popular. They get in bed, she farts. She: Excuse me sir, are you alright? He: Yes. It happens 2 more times. He: We better stop, I can't take this 66 more times! :
Little boys at school wonder, what's a penis? At home, Billy asks dad. Dad: (unzips fly) This is a penis, -- as a matter of fact, it's a perfect penis. Next day at school, Billy: (unzips) This is a penis -- & if it were 3 inches shorter, it'd be perfect!:
On the way to his room, Billy sees Mom naked on her bed rubbing her body saying: I need a man, I need a man!! Again next day. Day after, Mom's in bed with a man who plugs away. Billy goes in his room, rubs his naked body: I need a bike, I need a bike!! :
An 80 year old woman goes to her doctor. Woman: "Doctor, I'm afraid I have crabs!" He examines her. Doctor: "Lady you don't have crabs -- you just have a rotten cherry and fruit flies!" :
Question: What's the definition of a 10? Answer: A 5 who swallows! :
Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with 10 men? She came back with a red snapper! :
Question: Why did God invent men? Answer: Because cucumbers don't have credit cards! :
Question: Why did God invent women? Answer: Because sheep can't cook! :
Question: "What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?" Answer: "Her feet!" :
Brian: "You have to tell me what you really want sexually so I may please you to the best of my ability." Woman: "It would please me if you got off of me." :
Two women in suburbs leaning over fence in yards, talking. Husband arrives in car with 12 long stemmed roses. 1st Lady: Oh shit, now he's gonna expect me to lay on my back with my legs in the air all night! 2nd: Why, don't you have a vase? :
Guy & girl about to make love 1st time. He takes off shoes, his toes are deformed. She: Oh my God, it's horrible -- what happened?! He: When I was a child, I had toe-lio. (removes pants) I had knee-sles. Removes underwear. She: I know -- small cox! :
Question: "What's the difference between a bank account and your dick?" Answer: "The more you withdraw, the less interest you get!" :
Question: "What's the similarity of math and sex?" Answer: "Add the beds, minus the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!" :
A really conceited guy is fucking this really conceited chick and she says, "Aren't I tight?" and he says, "No, just full." :
Question: "Why did God make urine yellow and cum white?" Answer: "So men can tell if they're cumming or going!" :
Question: "Why did God create the orgasm?" Answer: "So you'd know when to stop fucking!" :
Question: What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Answer: Crabs on your organ! :
Question: What's better than roses on your piano? Answer: Tulips (two lips) on your organ! :
What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom? The pick-pocket snatches watches! :
VISUAL JOKE. Question: "What's this?" (Stand with legs together, then move feet up and down slowly in place, heels remain on floor) Answer: "A black man taking off a condom." :
Question: "What are the worst three words you can hear when you're making love?" Answer: "Honey, I'm home!" :
Pollack goes into whorehouse. "I wanna get fucked." "Slip $50 under the door." He waits...and waits, then yells: "Hey! -- I said I wanna get fucked!" Voice behind door: "Again?!" :
Question: "What's the difference between your dick and your paycheck?" Answer: "You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck." :
Woman goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have double D batteries?" He replies, "Yes, come this way (motions with his finger). She: "If I could come this way, (motions with her finger) I wouldn't need the double D batteries!" :
"What do you call 500 Indian women without nipples?" "The Indian-nippless 500!" :
"Why don't debutantes go to gang bangs?" "Because they'd have to write too many thank you notes." :
"What do you call a female virgin in West Virginia?" "A girl who can run faster than her brother." :
"Rich reminds me of a tampon -- because he's white and surrounded by pussy." :
"Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style?" "So they can both watch the hockey game." :
"I'm developing a scientific process wherein I clone myself as a female. That way -- when people tell me to go fuck myself, I can do it!" :
"I object to all this sex on television. I mean -- I keep falling off." :
My girlfriend Barbara called and said "I want you to come over right away -- there's a new position I'd like to try with you." I went over there -- the position was filled!" :
"The reason I'm so popular with women is because of my personal guarantee of 3 screaming orgasms -- I don't know what she's gonna do, but I scream!" :
2 male friends in their 30's are playing golf during a mild rain. Since the weather doesn't appear to threatening, they decide to continue. Tragically, both are struck by lightning and killed instantly. They report to Saint Peter at the pearly gates for :
admission into heaven. Saint Peter looks in his book and doesn't see their names on the list. Saint Peter: "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake! Your time wasn't up yet! Neither of you should be here now, you had quite a few more years to go. I'll:
tell you what -- as a consolation, I'll allow both of you to return to earth as whomever you wish!" The golf buddies huddle briefly, then return with their request. 1st Golf Buddy: "We'd like to return to earth as lesbians. Is that all right?" Saint :
Peter: (puzzled) "Yes, that would be all right, but why in heaven's name do you both want to be lesbians?" 2nd Golf Buddy: "Because we can still have all the pussy we want -- plus we'll be able to hit from the red tee's!" :
Question: What do you call the womens LPGA? Answer: Dykes on spikes! :
Two guys playing golf. Two women ahead of them are really slow. 1st guy: "I'll ask them to hurry up." He returns shortly. "Oh my God, I can't go down there -- that's my wife and my mistress. 2nd guy says "I'll go." 2nd guy (returns): "Small world." :
Question: "What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?" Answer: Inserting the anchovies!" :
"Why is making love like being in a snowstorm?" "Because you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going to last." :
3 homeless guys awaken from sleeping on a grate. 1st Guy: I had a horrible nightmare that somebody was yanking on my crank all night long! 3rd Guy: I had the same nightmare! Middle Guy: Not me, I had a wonderful dream that I was skiing in the Swiss Alps!:
This is a visual joke. You need to conceal a handfull of feathers or shredded napkin in you left hand. "How can you tell when a man has oral sex with a chicken?" Then cough through your hand and blow the feathers everywhere. :
Question: "How can you tell when you're girlfriend is getting too fat?" Answer: "When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!" :
Question: "What's the hardest part about eating fleas?" Answer: "Getting their little legs apart." :
Two black women are on a tour bus out west. They're dressed in mini-skirts and fish net stockings. They admire two American Indian women on the bus who have high cheek-bones and long, beautiful black hair. They introduce themselves. 1st Indian woman: :
I'm a Navajo. 2nd Indian woman: I'm Arapaho. Black woman: "Well, what a coincidence! I'm a Baltimore `ho' and my friend here is a Washington `ho'!" :
Question: "What's the worst thing about being an atheist?" Answer: "Nobody to talk to when you're getting a blow job!" :
Patient visits doctor. His jaw is stuck to his neck. Doctor examines him. Nothing wrong with his neck. Doctor tells guy to drop trousers for a thorough exam. He does and it turns out the patient has a two foot dick. Doctor: Well that's your problem, :
your dick is so long, it's pulling your neck down. We can fix that with an operation. I'll surgically remove a foot of your dick. The operation is a success, the patient's neck is fine afterward, but about a month later, he starts missing that extra foot:
of dick. He returns to the doctor and asks: Doc, can you put that extra foot of my dick back on? Doctor: (chin stuck to doctor's neck now) Nope -- no way, I'm sorry -- that's an irreversible operation! :
Question: Which bird delivers babies? Answer: The Stork. Question: Which bird enforces birth control? Answer: The Swallow! :
Question: What's the best form of birth control for people over 50? Answer: Total nudity! :
Question: "What do you call a guy who buys generic rubbers?" Answer: "A cheap fucker!" :
Customer: "I want to buy one condom." Pharmacist: "We only sell them in 6, 8, or 12 packs. 6 are for black people, everyday except Sunday. 8 are for Puerto Ricans, everyday and twice on Saturday. 12 are for Jews -- January, Febuary, March, April..." :
Question: "What do Brooklyn and a pair of control-top pantyhose have in common? Answer: "Flatbush!" :
A very inexperienced guy has a big date lined up Saturday night and he asks his friends what to do. As a lark, his friends tell him he should take the girl to a movie and buy some popcorn. Then when they get in the dark theatre, he should unzip his pants:
and place the woman's had on his erect member. He gets all excited. "Really, that's all there is to it?" Saturday night comes and everything goes according to plan. But when the guy takes his date's hand to place her fingers around his member, she glares:
at him and says, "I have three words for you -- take me home!" The guy thinks to himself, "Oh boy, this is great! Now she wants me to come home with her!" He drives her home and lets her out of the car. On the way to the door of her house, the guy says, :
"I have two words for you -- let go!!" :
Question: "Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?" Answer: "Because its owner beats him all the time!" :
Question: "Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?" Answer: "First of all, you have a head, but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole; and your best friend is a cunt!" :
Four doctors playing poker with special cards. 1st doctor: I have a tracheotomy. 2nd doctor: I have 2 appendoctemies. 3rd doctor: I have 3 lobotomies. 4th doctor: I have five enemas. 1st doctor: What's that?! 4th doctor: A royal flush! :
Question: What is the ultimate in trust? Answer: Two cannibals having oral sex! :
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? His wife gave him the cold shoulder! :
"What did the egg say to the boiling water?" "You expect me to get hard in 3 minutes?, I just got laid this morning!" :
Question: "Why are eggs so frustrated?" Answer: "Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard!" :
Son to Dad: "Dad, what's the difference between fantasy & reality?" Dad: "Well son, allow me to demonstrate." Dad to wife: "Honey, would you go to bed with a man for a million dollars?" Wife: "Yes." Dad asks daughter same. Daughter: "Yes." Dad to son: :
"See?" Son: "No, I don't see how that demonstrates the theory, Dad." Dad: "Well son, in fantasy, we'd have a couple million dollars -- in reality, what we have are a couple of whores in this house!" :
Woman of 23 to marry but knows nothing of sex. Father buys her "The Joy Of Sex" book. Honeymoon is a success. She: Dad, Thanks for the book. I knew everything except what are those two sacks at the base of penis? Dad: On me, those would be my hemmoroids!:
Have you heard about the freak baby who was born with both male and female characteristics? It was born with both a penis and a brain! :
Question: What is the French definition of a virgin? Answer: An ugly third grader! :
Question: What does a French woman put behind her ears to attract men? Answer: Her feet! :
Question: Why did the shepherd lead his flock to the edge of the cliff? Answer: So they'd push back harder!! :
A couple who have been dating for a few weeks decide they will become intimate on a weekend trip to Williamsburg. Conversation as follows in the car on the way. She: "There's something I'd like to tell you before we make love. I have baby sized breasts :
and I'm very self-conscious about it." He: "Listen, honey -- I'm not worried or concerned about that. I'm much more interested in your mind and wonderful personality, than I am in just your body. I have a confession to make too. I have a baby sized :
penis." They arrive in Williamsburg and check into the motel. As they begin to disrobe, he removes his pants and she looks at him incredulously. She: "Oh, my god!! -- you call THAT a baby sized penis?!?!" He: "Yeah -- eight pounds, 6 ounces, 14 inches." :
Question: What do you call it when you 69 in China? Answer: Two-can-chew! :
Queation: What's the difference between like and love? Answer: Spit and swallow! :
Question: What's the difference between spit and swallow? Answer: (place your hand behind the neck of the person you are telling the joke to, pull their head toward you) Oh, about fourty pounds of pressure! :
A Jewish couple marry and enjoy a wonderful honeymoon. On their first anniversary, the wife says to the husband, "I'd really like to do something special for you." Husband: "Gimmie a blowjob, that's what I want." Wife: "Oh no, honey. That's the one thing:
I cannot do -- you wouldn't respect me." The same conversation occurs on the couples 5th, 10th, and 20th anniversary. On their 25th wedding anniversary the husband still wants that blowjob. Wife: "You wouldn't respect me." Husband: "I'll respect you, :
I promise, just gimmie a blowjob!" She relents and does it. He loves it! His eyes roll back in his head as he comes in her mouth. Afterward, he lights a cigarette. The phone rings. He answers the phone. Husband: "Hello? Yeah, she's here -- (to wife) hey,:
cocksucker -- it's for you!!" :
Question: "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?" Answer: Hold onto your nuts, you're about to get a helluva blow job!" :
Question: What do Marilyn Chambers, Linda Lovelace, and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? Answer:They've all been known to swallow sea men. (semen) :
Question: What's the definition of an overbite? Answer: When you're eating pussy and it starts tasting like shit! :
Question: What's the difference between eating parsley and eating pussy? Answer: Nobody eats parsley. :
Question: How does a french woman hold her liquor? Answer: "By the ears!" (licker) :
Dale: "My wife is so tall!" "How tall is she?" Dale: "She's so tall -- I have to go UP on her!" :
If God hadn't meant pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco! :
(A man has to tell this joke) Question: "What has six legs and eats pussy?" Answer: "You, me, and Billy Jean King!" :
Question: "Why is their a string on the end of a tampon?" Answer: "So you can floss after you eat!" :
Question: "What do you call it when you're giving head to your Chinese girlfriend?" Answer: "Tongue chow!" :
A fat woman visits her gynecologist. She gets into the stirrups. The doctor arrives, takes one look at her and yells, "It's a hole! -- it's a hole!" She: "Listen, doctor -- I know I'm a little overweight, but you don't have to embarrass me like that. You:
didn't have to say that twice!" Doctor: "I didn't say it twice -- that was an echo!" :
Question: What the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? Answer: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush! :
Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? He could read lips. :
Gynecologist examines woman. "You're fine, but one thing puzzles me -- it's this wax buildup in your navel." Woman: "That's because my husband likes to eat by candle light!" :
65 year old woman visits her gynecologist. "Doctor, I'm worried -- I've been bleeding excessively from the vagina lately." Doctor examines her, then asks: "When was the last time you had sex?" "1953." Doctor: "Lady, that's not blood, that's rust!" :
Question: "What did the gynecologist find when he examined Brooke Shields?" Answer: "Michael Jackson's other glove!" :
Girl dating a Gynecologist: "I wonder what he sees in me?" :
Woman visits Gynecologist, puts her feet in the stirrups. "Before we begin this procedure, do you mind if I numb you?" he asks. "No" came the reply. He grabs both her ankles, leans forward. "Num, num, num, num..." :
Oriental Gynecologist to homely female patient: "You have rike-a disease." Female Patient: "Rike-a disease?!?! What's that?" Gynecologist: "Your face look rike-a your ass!" :
Wife: Honey, can you fix the car? Husband: Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench? She, later: Hon, will you fix the washing machine? He: Who do I look like, the Maytag repairman? Later, he feels guilty after coming home from work. He: I'm sorry honey, I'll :
fix the car and washing machine. She: That's all right hon, I got our neighbor Bob to fix them. Husband: Did you pay him? She: I told him I'd either bake him a cake or give him a blow job. He: What kind of cake? She: Who do I look like -- Betty Crocker?!:
Question: "What do you call a herd of mastubating cattle?" Answer: "Beef strokin'-off!" :
John: "Homosexuality for me would be like eating beets for breakfast." :
Man in bar on honeymoon, no sex with new wife because she's on her period. Bartender: "Well what about anal sex?" Man: "No, she has hemoroids." B: "Oral sex?" M: "No -- pyorrhea." B: "Why do you stay with her?" M: "She also has worms and I like to fish.":
Question: How are Richard Pryor and Hot Lips Houlihan alike? Answer: They both have major burns (Major Burns) on their faces! :
Question: How do you make a gay baby stop crying? Answer: Stick a pacifier up his ass! :
Question: Why are all the blacks moving to Ireland? Answer: Because they heard there are no jobs there. :
I went to the doctor for a checkup and he said, "I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is -- you have homosexual tendencies." "What's the good news?," I asked. Doctor: "I'm in love with you!" :
A car full of homos leave Washington, D.C. to go to Boston. A car full of lesbians leave Boston for Washington, D.C. Who arrives at their destination first, and why? The lesbians because they left lickety split while the homos were still pokin' around!!!:
Three strapping young guys are in the hot tub having a gay old time. Suddenly, a bubble rises to the surface and bursts, leaving a trail of semen. First guy: "All right -- which one of you men farted?!" :
Question: How does a gay man fake orgasm with his lover? Answer: He spits on his lover's back! :
Question: What are the two most feared words to hear in the mens room? Answer: "Nice cock." :
A gay guy walks into the bar wearing a pink Stetson hat and pink chaps and boots. Gay to bartender: (lisps) "Yoo hoo! -- where are all the cowboys?" Bartender: "They're out back." Gay: (still lisping) "What are they all doing out in the back?" Bartender::
They're having a necktie party with some queer." Gay guy: (voice deep now) "NO SHIT!" :
Question: How do you know when you're in a gay Catholic church? Answer: Only half of the congregation is kneeling! :
Question: What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? Answer: At the straight rodeo, the crowd yells, "Ride that sucker!!" :
Fire Chief sees Fireman butt-fucking a guy in burning building. Chief: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? Fireman: This man has smoke inhalation. Chief: You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Fireman: How do you think this shit got started?:
Question: "What did the straight sperm cell say to the gay sperm cell?" Answer: "How am I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?!?!" :
Two gay guys walking down the street see a married couple arguing. First gay guy to second gay guy: "See, I told you mixed marriages don't work!" :
Question: What's the definition of an optimist? Answer: A faggot with an Individual Retirement Account.! :
Question: "What do you call a gay black guy?" Answer: "Kool-aids!" :
The queer Indian jumped into the canoe, took three strokes, and shot across the lake. :
Did you hear about the queer who got fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job. :
Question: "How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Answer: "Turn it upside down!" :
Question: What do you call a gay Indian? Answer: A "brave fucker!" :
Question: "What's a real buddy?" Answer: "Someone who will go downtown and get two blow jobs, and come back and give you one." :
Did you hear about the queer deaf mute? Neither did he. :
Did you hear about the queer nail? Laid in the road and blew a tire. :
John: Guy in bar drinks 10 martinis in a row. I keep an eye on him. Finally he says "I'm celebrating my first blow-job!" I say, "Congratulations! Can I buy you another?" Customer: "No thanks, if 10 won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!" :
"How do you tell the men from the boys in Greece?" "With a crow-bar!" :
Gay guy wakes up sick. He can't remember what he did the night before at a wild party, so he goes to doctor. Doctor: "Well here's your problem, buddy -- you got a dozen roses stuck up your ass -- how did that happen?" Gay guy: "I dunno -- read the card!":
What do you get when you combine a homosexual with an eskimo? A "snow-blower." :
What do you get when you combine a black homosexual with an eskimo? A "snow-blower that doesn't work." :
Did you hear about the queer burglar? First he blew the safe, then he went down on the elevator. :
Question: What did one lesbian ask the other lesbian? Answer: Your face or mine? :
Question: What's the difference between a whale and a lesbian? Answer: About 15 pounds and a flannel shirt! :
Question: "What has fuzzy green balls and likes to eat women?" Answer: "Martina Navratilova!" OR "Billie Jean King!" :
Question: "What do lesbians like more than Calvin Klein jeans?" Answer: "Billy Jeans!." :
Question: "What do two lesbians need before they can get married?" Answer: "A licker license!" :
Did you hear about the lesbian bar that had to close down because they lost their licker license? :
Question: What's Jewish foreplay? Answer: Fifteen minutes of taking the jewelry off!! :
Question: How do Jews make love doggie style? Answer: She rolls over and plays dead, and he begs on the bed! :
Question: "How do you define Jewish foreplay?" Answer: "Two hours of begging." :
Question: "How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking?" Answer: "You marry her!" :
Question: "What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a bowl of jello?" Answer: " The jello wiggles when you eat it!" :
What do you call the nipples on a Jewish American Princess? The tip of the iceberg! :
What's the difference between making love to a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a JAP? The prostitute says, "You're not done yet?!" The nymphomaniac says, "Don't tell me you're done yet!" The JAP says, "Beige, we need to paint the ceiling beige!" :
Question: "What happens to a Jewish man when he walks into a wall with a full erection?" Answer: "He breaks his nose." :
"Why do Jewish women want to wear gold diaphrams?" "Because they like their husbands to come into money!" :
"Can you get pregnant from anal sex?" "No." "Then where do lawyers come from?" :
Question: How many men does it take to vacuum a carpet? Answer: None -- it's a woman's job. :
Question: "How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?" Answer: "If she farts, her ankles will swell." :
Question: "Why do women have legs?" Answer: "So they won't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors." :
Question: "What's the best way to bring a woman to orgasm?" Answer: "Who cares?" :
Question: "What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer: "She's deaf and dumb, oversexed, and owns a liquor store!" :
Question: "What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer: "The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in." :
Question: "What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer: "She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it." :
Question: "What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer: "The economy model: She fucks all night, and at midnight she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack." :
3 types of sex you have after marraige: 1-Room to room sex: Sex in a different room every night. 2-Bedroom sex: Lock the bedroom door and be quiet so the kids can't hear. 3-Hallway sex: Pass each other in the hallway and yell "Fuck you!" :
Question: What is the definition of masturbation? Answer: Making yourself at home! :
Question: When does a Jewish man stop masturbating? Answer: When his wife dies! :
Question: "What's the ultimate rejection?" Answer: "When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!" :
This is a visual joke. "I think I'll buy my date a drink." Then pour a little beer or whatever you're drinking into your left or right hand. :
(A man has to tell this joke) Question: "Why should a woman always masturbate with these two fingers?" (Hold up your index and middle fingers) Answer: "Because they're mine!" :
Mary (to Joe): "Hey Joe, have you ever been caught masturbating in a dark closet?" Joe: "No." Mary: "Good hiding place, huh?!" :
Jerry: "I'm glad I'm not a fish." Joe: "Why?" Jerry: "Because fish can't jerk off!" :
Question: "Did you hear about the midget who has 40 pound testicles?! Yeah, the fuckin' guy is half nuts!!" :
Question: "What did the midget say to the naked lady?" Answer: "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" :
Midget & amazon woman of about 6'4" in elevator. They go up. He looks all around. She's getting nervous. Finally, midget asks, "Excuse me maam -- can I smell your pussy?!" She: Why, that's disgusting -- of course not! He: "Oh, then it must be your feet!":
Struggling comedian in the 50's named Peter Von Lesbian. Agent: "Listen kid, your're funny. I can get you a network sit-com if you change that name." PVL: "But it's my God given name." Agent convinces him to change. Today you know him as Dick Van Dyke! :
Question: "Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vinegar douche?" Answer: "Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!" :
Question: "Why can't Miss Piggy ever count to 100?" Answer: "Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!" :
(A man has to tell this joke) Question: "What does a guy with a twelve inch cock have for breakfast?" Answer: "I usually have bacon and eggs!" :
My girlfriend is so self centered that when we make love, she screams HER name! :
My love life is so slow... the last time I was inside a woman -- it was the Statue Of Liberty! :
"My wife said she wanted to make love in the back seat of our car -- she wanted me to be driving!" :
Q: Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts all at the same time! Q: Who is the most popular gal in the nudist colony? A: The girl who can eat the last doughnut!! :
Q: How can you tell who is the blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. :
Doc: What's the problem? 65 yr. old couple: We want you to watch us make love. They do, leave office without a word. This happens 3 weeks. D: Why? Doc, it's like this -- Holiday Inn charges $65 a night, you charge $10 a visit, we get 10 back in medicare!:
80 year old couple at doctor. He: We want an AIDS test. Doctor: AIDS test!? Why? She: We're in a high risk category. Doc: I've known you both 20 years, you're not intrevenous drug users or homosexuals -- what high risk category? She: We have sex anually!:
Two old women rocking on the porch in the country having a big old time reminiscing about the old days. Mary to Helen: Helen, do you remember the minuet? Helen: Mary, I can't even remember the ones I fucked! :
Question: Why can't The Dairy Queen have babies? Answer: Because she's married to Mr. Softee! :
Brian: "I discovered a new oral contraceptive -- I ask a woman to go to bed with me and she says no!" :
Estelle begged me to perform oral sex on her. "Nino, it's time to feast on the yeast -- go south with the mouth -- eat at the Y." I went down and that thing was rancid -- I mean it was nasty! Finally, she broke wind and I said "Thanks for the fresh air!":
Question: "Why did God create the orgasm?" Answer: "Because he couldn't wait for the second coming!" :
1st Ovary to 2nd Ovary: "Did you order any furniture?" 2nd Ovary: "No, why?" 1st Ovary: "There's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in!" :
Two child molesters are bragging to each other. "I had a seven year old the other night." "That's nothing, I had an eleven year old." "What's so great about that?" "She had the body of a five year old!" :
There's a new radio staion on the FM dial called WPMS. The programming consists of three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime! :
Question: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Shi-ite Moslem terrorist? Answer: You can reason with the Shi-ite Moslem terrorist! :
Question: What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP? Answer: A bitch who thinks she knows everything! :
Question: "Why are peanut butter and prostitutes similar?" Answer: "They both spread for bread!" :
A prostitute walked up to me yesterday and said, "I'll do anything you want for a hundred dollars!" I said, bitch -- paint my house!" :
"What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" A prostitute says, "Any cock'll do!" :
Sailor comes back from long journey at sea, gets a local prostitute. "How am I doin'?," he asks. "You're doin' 3 knots," she replies. "What do you mean?," he inquires. "Not in, not hard, and not getting your money back!" :
Question: "What did the leper prostitute say to her lastest customer?" Answer: "I'll keep an eye out for you." :
Question: What do you call a prostitute in Russia? Answer: "Knickersoftenoff!" (Knickers-often-off) :
Have you heard about the new girl in town? Her name is Virginia. The guys call her Virgin for short, but not for long. :
Brewster the Rooster. Farmer thinks he's dead from screwing all the hens, pigs, and cows. He says, "I told you to slow down Brewster or you'd kill your self!" Brewster looks up, says: "Shhh! (points to sky) vultures!" :
Question: "Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?" Answer: "Because he heard the referee was blowing fouls on the other side of the court!" :
Did you hear about the couple who had a sado-masochistic relationship? She would plead, "Beat me!" and he would say, "No!" :
A Scottish lad and lassie take a stroll by the lake on a romantic, warm, moonlit evening. Lassie: "Would you find it to your likin' to hold me hand, laddie?" Lad: "Oh, yes lassie -- very much!" A bit later, they sit by the bank of the lake. Lassie: :
"And would it be to your likin' to kiss me, laddie?" Lad: "Oh, yes lassie!" They kiss. Later -- Lassie: "And how would you feel about a roll in the hay with me, laddie?" Lad: "Oh, lassie -- yer readin' me mind! But how did you know? Was it the gleam in :
me eyes?" Lassie: "No." Lad: "Was it the desire on me lips?" Lassie: "No." Lad: "Well then, how did you know I wanted to roll in the hay with you?" Lassie: "By the tilt of your kilt!" :
Shoes Saleman helping woman try on shoes. He looks up and sees she's not wearing any panties. Salesman: "I'd like to stuff that thing full of ice cream and eat it all up right now!" She's indignant, gets up, calls her husband and tells him what happened.:
She: "Honey, I want you to come over here right now and take care of that fresh salesman!" Husband: "No." She: "And why not?!" Husband: "I don't want to tangle with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!" :
Question: "What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?" Answer: "A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it!" :
A man goes into the bar, says to the bartender: "I'd like a b-b-b-beer p-please." Bartender gives him the drink. A bit later, studderer: "I'd like an-n-nother b-b-b-beer please." Bartender: "Look, buddy I know it's none of my business, but I notice you :
have a studder. I know how it is -- I used to be the same way -- but there's a way to correct it." Studderer: "Oh, r-r-really? H-h-how?" Bartender: "I had my wife give me a blow job every night for two consecutive weeks and it cured my studder right :
away. You should try it -- it really works." Two weeks later, the studderer enters the bar again. Studderer: "I'd l-l-like a b-b-b-beer, please." Bartender "Hey, weren't you in here two weeks ago?" Studderer: "Y-y-yes." Bartender: "Well, did you do what :
I advised?" Studderer: "Y-y-y-yess." Bartender: "And did it work?" Studderer: "N-n-n-no, but you have a lovely house!" :
Superman drunk, flys around, sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude. Thinks: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, why not? She'll never know what hit her." He goes for it. W W: "Oh, my God! What was that? Invisible Man: I don't know, but my ass is sure sore!" :
YOU HAVE TO BE A GIRL TO TELL THIS JOKE, PRESUMABLY TO YOUR HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND: Question: What's the difference between sugar and Sweet & Low? Answer: (kiss your mate on the lips) This is sugar... (now go down on your knees)... and this is sweet & low!:
2 teens on date. She: "I want you to give it to me." He: "Oh, no! -- my mom says that you women have teeth down there, and it'll bite my thing right off!" She: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life! There's no teeth down there :
-- look, I'll show you (removes her pants) -- now do you see any teeth in there?" He looks all around, then says: "No, and it's no wonder with gums like that!!" :
Cowboy rides thru desert, sees naked Indian staring down at shadow of his own dick. C: What are you doin'? I: Me tell-um time. C: What time is it? I: Noon. He's right. Later, cowboy sees 2nd Indian jerking off. C: What are you doin'? I: Winding my watch!:
Guy: What's your bra size? Gal: Multiply the length of your dick by 10, then add your I.Q.! :
You're a beautiful girl in a yuppie bar and a guy comes up to you and tries to put on the moves. He asks you what you do -- to which you reply: "Oh, I'm on the cleaning crew at so and so (make up a place where you work), then watch his reaction. :
Line to use on good looking girl you see sitting at the bar: "Right now, I'm living vicariously through your bar stool!" :
Guy sees good looking girl in bar, buys her a drink, asks: "How'd you like to come to my place?" "Oh, I'd love to, but I'm on my menstruel cycle." "That's okay -- we can take my mo-ped!" :
Question: What is the worst part about a male transexual having an operation to become a female? Answer: When the doctor inserts a siphon in your ear to suck out half your brain! :
Question: What did one sorority tampon say to the other sorority tampon? Answer: Nothing -- they were both stuck up cunts! :
Question: Why are men better at sleeping on their sides than women? Answer: Because they have a built in kick-stand! :
Question: "What's a screwdriver?" Answer: "A prostitute's way of getting a free cab ride!" :
Question: What do you call kids raised in a house of prostitution? Answer: "Brothel Sprouts!" :
Allan: "I had a party in my pants last night, and everyone came!" :
Suzi (nursing a viscious hangover): I went to a wine tasting last night and forgot to spit out!! :
Question: What do you call a mushroom in a bar who buys drinks for all the girls? Answer: A "fungi!" (fun guy) :
"I have Bar Arthritis -- I'm stiff in a different joint every night." :
Woman (to son, Rusty): "I just got back from the beauty parlor." Rusty: "What'd they give you, an estimate?" :
Man to neighbor: My wife left me for my best friend. Neighbor: You bitter? Man: Yeah, and I bit him too! :
Question: What did the black guy say when his house fell on him?" Answer: "Get off me, home! :
Question: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle? Answer: A dope ring! :
Question: What do you call two blondes in the front seat of a car? Answer: Dual air bags! :
Question: What's the difference between a snowman and a blonde snowman? Answer: When you're building a blonde snowman, you have to hollow his head out! :
Anne wearing button at party that reads: "I'm a natural blonde -- please speak slowly." :
Question: How do you drown a blonde? Answer: Put a scratch `n' sniff at the bottom of the hot tub. :
Question: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? Answer: With a computer, you only have to punch in the information once. :
Question: Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes? Answer: Toes Go In First. :
Question: Why was the blonde pleased with herself when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in eight months? Answer: Because the box said 3 to 6 years. :
Two brunettes and a blonde are sitting at the bar, checking out the guys. Brunette: "See that guy over there with one eye?" Blonde: (covering her left eye with her hand) "Where?" :
Question: How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eyes? Answer: Shine a flashlight through her ears. :
Question: Why do blondes have shoulder pads? Answer: (use sing-songy voice while rocking head side to side) I don't know. :
Question: What is a blonde's mating call? Answer: "Oh honey, I'm soooo drunk." :
Question: What position did the blonde apply for at the M&M factory? Answer: Proof-reader! :
Question: What do you call an old blonde behind the wheel of an automobile? Answer: An air-bag! :
Question: What did the blonde ask her gynecologist when he told her that she is pregnant? Answer: "How do you know it's mine?!" :
Question: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? Answer: Because that's where you wash vegetables! :
Question: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Answer: They're both empty from the neck up! :
Question: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Answer: "Spot." :
Two blondes were walking along the woods when they came upon some tracks. The first blonde remarked, "They look like deer tracks." The second blonde insisted, "No, these are moose tracks." They were still arguing about it when the train hit them! :
Question: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your word processor? Answer: By the white-out on the screen! :
Question: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Answer: Blow in her ear! :
Question: If a blonde and a brunette both jumped off a building at the same time, who would land first? Answer: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask directions! :
Question: What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? Answer: You can park in the handicapped zone! :
Question: What should you do if a blonde throws a hand-grenade at you? Answer: Pull the pin and throw it back! :
Question: How many blondes does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Answer: Four. One to stir the batter and three to peel the M&M's! :
Question: What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer? Answer: Frosted Flakes! :
Question: Why don't blondes eat pickles? Answer: Because their heads get stuck in the jar! :
Question: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? Answer: Because they have a very difficult time trying to fit two quarts of water into that little packet! :
Question: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown? Answer: Artificial intelligence! :
Question: What is the definition of a smart blonde? Answer: A golden retriever! :
Question: Why were all the blondes on the roof? Answer: They heard that the drinks were on the house. :
Question: What is the difference between Merly Streep fainting and Vanna White doing her job? Answer: One is a blonde getting dizzy and spinning and the other is a dizzy blone spinning. :
Question: Why don't blonde secretaries get coffee breaks? Answer: Because it costs too much to retrain them! :
Question: Why are brunette jokes so short? Answer: So blondes can tell them! :
Question: "What's brown and black and blue and lies in the gutter?" Answer: "A brunette who has told one too many blonde jokes!" :
Question: "How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "What's a lightbulb?" :
Question: "What's the first thing a blonde hears in the morning?" Answer: "See ya!" :
Question: "What do you call two blondes at the bottom of a swimming pool?" Answer: "An air pocket!" :
Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio? It took her a week to figure out she could listen to it at night! :
"My Unathorized Autobiography" by Ronald De Souza. :
Question: What did the doe ask the buck? Answer: "Wanna go into the woods and have a little fawn?" :
A bum came up to me and asked for $300.00 for a cup of coffee. I said, "Coffee's only 50 cents." He said, "I want to drink it in Brazil!" :
The Sesame Street bus takes special kids to school. First, 2 fat girls named Patricia get on. Then, Special Ross. Next, Lester Cheese, a kid with bunions. So you get 2 obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus! :
Question: How does a butcher introduce his wife? Answer: Meet Patty! (Meat Patty) :
Question: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: They don't -- they screw in the hot tub! :
Question: "Where do cantelopes and watermelon go for summer vacation?" Answer: "John Cougar's Mellancamp!" :
Question: If you crossed Lassie with a cantelope and a watermelon, what would the offspring be called? Answer: Melancholy babies!" :
Question: What does Fiat stand for? Answer: Fix It Again Tony. :
All night long, a man dreamed about mufflers and tailpipes, mufflers and tailpipes, mufflers and tailpipes. The next day when he woke up -- he was exhausted! :
Question: How does a chicken tell you the time? Answer: "It's Eight-O-Cluck!" :
Question: Why can't a Chinese couple have a caucasian baby? Answer: Because two Wongs don't make a white! :
Question: How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer or word processor? Answer: When there is white-out on the screen! :
Question: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? Answer: With a computer, you only have to punch in the information once. :
Confucus say: "Halitosis is better than none!" :
A pedestrian crossing the street was struck by a patrol car during a high speed chase. Tragically, the man's legs had to be amputated after the accident. He took his case to court and tried to sue the officer driving the patrol car. But the judge threw :
the case out of court. Judge: "You're not getting one penny!" Pedestrian: "But judge, why!?!?" Judge: "Because you don't have a leg to stand on!" :
Merrill Lynch and Drexal Burnham are merging -- the new company will be called "Lynch and Burnham!" (lynch and burn `em) :
Honeywell and Fairchild Industries are merging -- they're new Corporation is called Fairwell/Honeychild. :
Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging -- they're going to make reproductive organs! :
Did you hear about the guy in the car accident who lost his whole left side? He's all right now! :
Did you hear that they're not going to have a Christmas tree at the White House this year? -- They're decorating the Bushes instead! :
Question: What did Marilyn Quayle say when Dan blew in her ear? Answer: Thanks for the refill, honey! :
Dan Quayle is so dumb that he needs a tutor to read George Bush's lips! :
Dan Quayle thought Row verses Wade were two differnt ways of crossing the Potomac! :
Have you heard about the new Dan Quayle Bond you can buy at your local bank? It has no interest, no principle, and no maturity! :
When it was revealed that Presidential hopeful Bill Clinton had used marijuana, Jerry Brown decided also to admit to past use of the drug. The difference Brown said, in his case, was that he didn't exhale! :
Question: Why can't Jerry Brown become President of The United States in 1992? Answer: Because all of his constituents are sealed inside Biosphere 2! :
Question: How are Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet alike? Answer: They both have Curds in their way! (whey) :
George Bush is so fed up with Saddam Hussein that he's threatened to put him in a Hussein asylum! :
Question: What do the Buffalo Bills and Billy Graham have in common? Answer: They can both fill a football stadium full of people and get them to stand up and yell, "Jesus Christ!!" :
Question: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a bowl of Cheerios? Answer: The Cheerios belong in the bowl! :
Question: How many Denver Broncos does it take to fix a flat tire? Answer: If it's merely flat, one -- but if it's a blow-out, they all show up!! :
Question: Why is Tammy Faye Baker's face like a ski slope? Answer: Six inches of base and five of powder! :
I went on a date with a girl that said she loved me like a brother. What does that mean? She's gonna break things and blame me for it? :
A doctor goes to a farmhouse to tend to the farmer's ill wife but falls in the well on the way over there. The farmer rescues him from the well and says, "Doc, let that be a lesson to you -- tend to the sick and leave the well alone!" :
Question: What has four legs and one arm and is extremely happy about it? Answer: A pit bull! :
A dog trots into the offices of the Miami Herald newspaper to apply for a job as a reporter. The City Editor is taken aback seeing a dog wanting the position, but being the fairminded liberal he is, decides to give the dog an interview. City Editor: "We :
need someone who can type proficiently. Can you type?" Dog: "Woof!" The dog hops up to the typewriter and begins pounding out 80 words per minute with his paws. The City Editor can't believe it! He looks at the document and it is flawless! City Editor: :
"This is very good, but we need someone who is also familiar with computers. Are you?" Dog: "Woof!" The dog gets on the computer terminal and begins work on an elborate spreadsheet. The City Editor is floored! City Editor: "Well, I see you know your :
computers -- but there is one last requirement for the reporter position. We need someone who is bi-lingual. Are you bi-lingual?" Dog: "Meow!" :
Dog in Old Tuson, Arizona limps through town. He wears a black hat, black vest, black chaps, and black snakeskin boots. He limps into the bar. Ther piano music stops. The dog stares coldly at the crowd. Dog: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!" :
Question: What award was presented to the inventor of the door knocker? Answer: The No-Bell Prize! :
Dracula's blood supply from eligible young ladies in Transylvania is almost exhausted, so Dracula decides to move to Italy where they'll be a fresh supply of ladies -- and blood. He moves into a tower above the canals in Venice. Dracula lures his :
victims into the tower where he seduces them, then has his way. After he drains the blood from a young woman, he tosses her body from the tower into the canal below. One day Burt Bacharach is in a gondola on his vacation in Venice, when suddendly, out of:
nowhere, a female corpse comes crashing onto his boat from Dracula's tower above. Burt looks up, astounded! It happens again! Burt: "Drained wops keep falling on my head!" :
Question: "What does D.A.M. stand for?" Answer: "Mothers Against Dyslexia!" :
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He didn't believe in DOG. :
Question: What do you call an Egyptian college student who studies plumbing in college? Answer: A "Pharoh Fawcett Major!" :
Question: Who's the number one singer in Africa?" Answer: Harry Elafonte! :
"You're putting the em-fa-sis (emphasis) on the wrong si-lie-bel!" (syllable) :
"Marraige is compromising on wallpaper and tripping over somebody elses shit!" :
Question: In a school of fish, what do you call the head doctor? Answer: The Chief Sturgeon! :
My wife is such a bad cook. The other day I left some dental floss in the kitchen -- the roaches hung themselves! :
People ask me what position I played on the football team in college. I tell them I must have been a tailback because the coach would always say: "Get your tail back on that bench!" :
Lady & friend see frog in park. Frog: "Kiss me! I'm really a mortgage banker!" Lady puts frog in her purse. Friend: "Aren't you going to kiss him?" Lady: "Hell, no! Everyone knows that a talking frog is worth a hell of alot more than a mortgage banker!!":
I looked up my family tree and discovered that I was the sap! :
Question: What sound does a sheep make when it explodes? Answer: "Siss--boom--baaahh!!?" :
A foursome was getting ready to hit their approach shots on the 15th fairway when it began to thunder and lightning beyond their wildest nightmares. One of the golfers yells out, "We're going to be struck by lightning, we're all going to die!" "Don't :
panic -- I have an idea!," said the 2nd golfer. He told everyone to gather around him and hold on. Then he reached into his golf bag, grabbed out a golf club and pointed it toward the Heavens. "What the hell are you doing?!?!," demanded his buddies. :
"Don't worry." came the reply. "We won't die, we'll be okay -- not even God can hit a one iron!!" :
An ugly man lost 40 lbs., had a hair transplant & plastic surgery. On the golf course, he was killed by lightning. In heaven, he asked God why he was cut down in the prime of life. God: "I didn't recognize you." :
Guy gets a haircut. In conversation, he tells the barber he's planning a vacation to Rome, Italy. Barber: "Rome! -- that's the worst place you can possibly go! The crime, the poverty... what airline are you using?" Customer: "Continental." Barber: :
"Continental! -- that's the worst airline you can possibly book. They have the highest accident rate of any airline -- they lose your luggage, and they're always late! Let me ask you this: what hotel are you staying at?" Customer: "The Shereton." Barber::
"The Shereton!!?? -- that's the worst hotel of all. The service is rotten and the food is lousy! I suppose you're going to try to see the Pope while you're there, huh?" Customer: "Well as a matter of fact, yes, I'd very much like to visit the Pope." :
Barber: "Yeah, you and 2 million other tourists. Forget it -- you have about as much chance of seeing the Pope as you do of becoming an NFL head coach!" The customer leaves, comes back into the barbershop about a month later. Barber: "Well, how was your :
vacation?" Customer: "Oh, it was terrific! The plane was on time. My luggage was waiting for me. They hotel staff was first rate and treated me like a king!" Barber: "Well I suppose you didn't get to see the Pope, huh?" Customer: "As a matter of fact, I :
did! I went over to kiss his ring, and when I knelt down, he put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me and said: "That's the worst haircut I've ever seen in my life!" :
A priest goes into the barber shop to get his haircut. When the job is done, he offers money to the barber as payment. Barber: "Father, you're a man of the cloth -- I know you don't make much money. This haircut is on the house!" Priest: "Bless you, my :
son." The next day, as the barber is opening up shop, he sees a small bag on the doorstep of the barber shop. Inside the bag is a thank you note from the priest and a dozen freshy baked doughnuts from the church bakery. "What a nice gesture," the barber :
says to himself. Later that day, a rabbi enters the barber shop for a haircut. When the rabbi tries to pay the barber, the barber says: "Rabbi, you're a man of the cloth -- I know you don't make much money. This haircut is on the house!" The rabbi thanks:
the barber and is on his way. The following day, as the barber is opening up shop, he is surprised to see on his doorstep a dozen -- rabbis! :
Question: How do ghosts and goblins get in the cemetary? Answer: With a skeleton key. :
Question: How does a witch tell time? Answer: With a witch-watch. :
Question: Why doesn't Dracula play baseball? Answer: Because he doesn't want anybody using his bat. :
Question: What is a skeleton? Answer: A bunch of bones with the people taken off. :
Question: What do you call a ghost with no sense of humor? Answer: One with a grave outlook. :
Question: What did one casket say to the other casket? Answer: Is that you coffin? :
There's a new hamburger out that's made out of beef lips -- it's called the McJagger! :
NASA held a press conference recently to announce an experiment wherein they'll soon send cattle to the moon. It will be known as the herd shot `round the world! :
Question: "What do you call a cow after she's given birth?" Answer: "De-calf-inated!" :
I feel like a million bucks -- in confederate money! :
Gutfred: "Every night, I take a bath in 50 gallons of milk for my health." Myrtle: "Really? Is it pasturized?" Gutfred: "No, just up to my neck." :
"I made two pictures in Hollywood -- one like this, one like this." :
3 men seeking work enter the employment building. The job placement officer has no ears. The first man walks into his office. Job Placement Officer: "I'm looking for workers who are very perceptive. How observant are you?" 1st Man: "You have no ears!" :
Job Placement Officer: "Very good." The 1st man leaves, then the 2nd man seeking work enters and takes a seat. Job Placement Officer: "How observant are you?" 2nd Man: "You don't have any ears!!" Job Placement Officer: "Very good -- next!" The 3rd man :
comes into the office. Job Placement Officer: "How observant are you?" 3rd Man: "You're wearing contact lenses." Job Placement Officer: "That's amazing -- you're right! I am wearing contact lenses. But how did you know?!" 3rd Man: "Because you have no :
ears to hold glasses on!" :
Chief Sit Em Down lived when Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. He had a brilliant idea to put lightbulbs in the out-houses behind the tee-pees on the reservations. He is remembered as the first person in history to wire a head for reservations! :
A beautiful Indian maiden fell in love with a handsome and strong brave named "Shortcake." Shortly thereafter, they were wed. After 30 years of marriage, Shortcake died. She laid his body to rest at the sacred burial ground. Thus, "Squaw bury Shortcake!":
Question: "What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?" Answer: "One less drunk!" :
Question: How cold is it? Answer: It's colder than a brass toilet seat in a tin igloo! :
Did you hear about the circus that burned to the ground? The heat was in tents! (intense) :
Question: Why did George Bush wait until the Friday after the L.A. riots to deliver his speech addressing the incident? Answer: Because he wanted to make sure everyone had a TV! :
Question: What's the difference between the N.Y.P.D. and the L.A.P.D.? Answer: The New York police like to have a few drinks after work at happy hour, then they go home -- but the L.A.P.D. stay up `til all hours nightclubbing! :
Question: Did you hear that Los Angeles has a new area code? Answer: 911! :
Let's make like a bisquit and roll! :
Let's make like a Chinese nut house -- we off! :
"If lettuce and carrots were in a race, who would win?" "Lettuce, because it's always ahead." :
Question: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Only one, but two-hundred applied for the job! :
Question: "How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "What's a lightbulb?" :
Question: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: That's not funny. :
Question: How many rock `n' roll guitartists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Five -- one to change it and four to say "I can do that!" :
Question: How many Japanese does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Ten. One to change it and nine to dump the used bulb on the American market! :
Question: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: No, that's okay -- I'll just sit here in the dark... :
Question: "How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "One, but the light bulb has to want to change!" :
Question: "How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Thirty -- you got a problem with that???!!!!" :
Question: How many TV News Producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Only one, but they keep changing it, and changing it, and changing it... :
Question: How many Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Three -- one to change it, and two to reminisce about how good the old one was! :
Question: "How many news writers does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Why does it need changing?" :
The old married couple sit on the couch and reminisce of days gone by. Wife: "Honey, remember when you used to nibble on my ear?" Husband: "Yeah." Wife: "How come you don't do that no more?" The husband gets up and starts to walk out of the room. Wife: :
"Wait a minute, honey -- where you goin'?" Husband: "To get my teeth!" :
Question: Who is the Mexican hero who rides in a chariot? Answer: "Ben Hernandez!" :
Question: Who is the Mexican cowboy hero who wears a ten gallon hat and rides through the West? Answer: "Roy Rodriguez!" :
Question: What did the Mexican Fireman name his twin boys? Answer: Jose' and Jos-B! (Hose A and Hose B) :
Question: "What did Mickey Mouse get for his birthday?" Answer: "A Dan Quayle watch!" :
"I have the Midas touch -- everything I touch turns into a muffler!" :
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life! -- if I drop dead tomorrow!" :
Question: How can you get rich really quickly? Answer: But 10 female pigs and 10 male deer and you'll have ten sows-and-bucks! :
Guy asks his boss for a raise. Boss: "Your raise becomes effective -- when you do!" :
The sequel to "White Men Can't Jump" is called: "Black Men Can't Bobsled!" :
Did you hear about the Polish musician? He was in it for the money! :
Question: Why is Ravi Shankar in trouble with the I.R.S.? Answer: Because he was caught passing money under the tabla! :
Question: What's the difference between an onion and a banjo? Answer: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo! :
Question: "How many rock `n' roll guitartists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Five -- one to change it and four to say `I can do that!'" :
Question: "Why is seven afraid of six?" Answer: "Because seven-eight(ate)-nine." :
Pete used this line on the podium at a roast he attended for an old friend: So and So (name of person) is really getting contemporary -- last week he/she started listening to FM! :
"I was accepted to medical school -- as a specimen!" :
Question: "How do you tell male pancakes from female pancakes?" Answer: "The female pancakes are stacked!" :
Did you hear about the new Benedict Arnold batter you can buy to make pancakes? You put it in a skillet -- 10 minutes later, they turn on you! :
"My parents were dissapointed when I was born. For 10 years they looked for a loophole in my birth certificate!" :
Question: What are the longest ten years of a Pollack's life? Answer: Third grade! :
Question: What is the national bird of Poland? Answer: The house-fly! :
Question: How can you tell when you are in a Polish neighborhood? Answer: By the toilet paper hanging out to dry! :
Did you hear about the Pollack who bought an AM radio? It took him a week to figure out he could listen to it at night! :
3 guys long journey in the desert; a German, French, Pollack. German brings water, French guy brings bread, Polack brings a car door. "If it gets too hot, we can always roll down the window!" :
Pollack goes into a bar, orders a "15." "What's a 15?," asks the bartender. Pollack: "A seven and seven!" :
Brian: I was gonna buy a book called "The Power Of Positive Thinking," -- but then I thought: "What the hell good would that do!?" :
Question: Why didn't Mr. Pototato Head want his daughter to marry Howard Cossell? Answer: Because he didn't want her with a common-tator! (commentator) :
Guy goes into the Psychiatrist's office, lies on the couch. Psychiatrist asks, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a car mechanic," was the reply. "Then get under the couch!" said the psychiatrist. :
Woman says to her psychiatrist, "Doc, last night I dreamed I was a tee-pee, the night before, I was a wig-wam." Psychiatrist: "That's your problem -- you're two tents!" (tense) :
Men, remember -- think with your big head, not with your little head! :
"It's not easy being a combination health freak and alcoholic." :
John The Bartender (sees two deadbeat customers): "Can I get you a couple of No-Doz shooters?" :
"Drink your beer -- there are sober kids in India -- don't waste your beer!" :
"A waste is a terrible thing to mind." :
"I don't do cocaine at all -- I just like the smell!" :
"He who hath no fantasies doth not live a full life." :
Joe: Great to be alive, huh Mike? Mike: (deadpan, pours more beer in glass) Yeah -- all 300 hours every day. :
Balding guy: "I use a washcloth to comb my hair. I only keep a comb as a souvenir." :
I feel like a million bucks -- green and wrinkly! :
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." :
"I feel like a $600.00 suit -- with the back ripped out of it!! -- like I'm still wearing it!" :
John: Our problem is, we have a Honolulu appetite, with a beer budget!" :
Joe: "One day my ship will come in." John: "And you'll be at the airport!" :
The problem with Italian food is that 5 or 6 days later, you're hungry again! :
"The first year of law school, they scare you to death. The second year, they work you to death. The third year, they bore you to death!" :
"We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you." :
"Neurotics build castles in the air -- psychotics move into them!" :
He's an analog kind of guy living in a digital world/age! :
"How will I know when I no longer need to see a psychiatrist?" "When you decide you need the $90 bucks an hour more than he does!" :
There's so much room in here, you could swing a cat!! :
"Let's get the way under day." :
Some men are like great works of art -- great to look at, but you wouldn't want to have them in your home! :
"Your wife looks like a fallen angel -- too bad she fell on her face!" :
"Beauty is only skin deep -- but ugly cuts to the bone!" :
"He/She has a face like uncooked pudding!" :
"Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?" :
An ugly woman will never leave you and if she does, who cares? :
Mike: "It's hard being a snappy white guy these days!" :
Wise men change their minds when they grow wiser. :
You're a redneck if... you've ever used a weed whacker indoors. :
You're a redneck if... you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. :
You're a redneck if... the neighbors started a petition about your Christmas lights. :
You're a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. :
You're a redneck if... there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. :
You're a redneck if... you consider "True Story" or "Field And Stream:" deep reading. :
You're a redneck if... your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan. :
You're a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork. :
You're a redneck if... you have to refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey And The Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture. :
You're a redneck if... you consider a six-pack of beer and watching a bug zapper quality entertainment. :
You're a redneck if... you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken. :
You're a redneck if... you have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table. :
You're a redneck if... your mother keeps a spit-up cup on the ironing board. :
You're a redneck if... you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. :
You're a redneck if... you prominently display a gift you CLAIM was purchased at Graceland. :
You're a redneck if... you prominently display a gift purchased at Graceland. :
You're a redneck if... the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front. :
You're a redneck if... you have a rag for a gas cap. :
You're a redneck if... your brother-in-law is also your uncle. :
You're a redneck if... you honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. :
You're a redneck if... you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. :
You're a redneck if... you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. :
You're a redneck if... your richest relative needed help taking the wheels off his new house. :
You're a redneck if... you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention ever. :
You're a redneck if... the main color of your car is primer. :
You're a redneck if... less than half the cars you own run. :
You're a redneck if... the diploma hanging in your den includes the words, "Trucking Institute." :
You're a redneck if... you think potted meat and saltines are an hors d'oeuvre. :
You're a redneck if... you think beef sticks and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. :
You're a redneck if... you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. :
You're a redneck if... your matchbook doubles as a toothpick. :
You're a redneck if... your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs. :
You're a redneck if... your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. :
Gutfred: "I had an uncle who took milk showers every night -- but he died recently." Myrtle: "Oh? What happened?" Gutfred: "The cow fell on him." :
"Why was there no gambling on Noah's ark?" "Because Noah was sitting on the deck." :
"What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?" "Roman Catholic!" :
Question: "What did the rug say to the floor?" Answer: "I've got you covered, baby!" :
Sam Donaldson dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, he is highly annoyed to find a mile long line at the Pearly Gates. Not one to be intimidated, Sam pushes his way through the crowd. "Sam Donaldson, ABC News -- Sam Donadson, ABC News," barks Sam as he :
makes his way toward the entrance to the gates. Sam approaches Saint Peter. Sam: "Sam Donadson, ABC News -- I demand access to these Pearly Gates immediately!" Saint Peter: "Sam, you know the rules -- there's no press entrance here and no free food :
inside. Everyone is treated equally, and the press is no exception. Now go back to the end of the line and wait your turn like everyone else." Sam walks away in a huff, back to the end of the line. A few minutes later, an older gentleman pushes his :
way through the crowd yelling, "ABC News -- outta my way, ABC News -- outta my way!!" The gentleman walks right past Saint Peter and into the Pearly Gates. Well as you can imagine, Sam Donaldson cannot believe what he's just witnessed. Sam marches to the:
head of the line to grill Saint Peter. Sam: "Pete -- why did you let that guy through the Pearly Gates? -- and you told me to get back to the end of the line??!!" Saint Peter: "Oh, that gentleman just thinks he's with ABC News -- that was God!" :
Question: "Why is San Francisco like granola?" Answer: "Because once you get past the fruits and nuts, all you have left is the flakes!" :
"I was a model student in college -- all the teachers said, "See that student? -- don't be like him!" :
"I was so stupid as a student that I even failed lunch!" :
Question: What do you call Catholics who use the rhythm method for birth control? Answer: Parents! :
Question: What's a good way to prevent a skunk from smelling? Answer: Hold the skunk's nose! :
Question: Why didn't Mr. Pototato Head want his daughter to marry Howard Cossell? Answer: Because he didn't want her with a common-tator! (commentator) :
Question: "What did the stamp say to the envelope?" Answer: "Stick to me baby, and I'll take you places!" :
My stockbroker convinced me to invest in growth stocks. I did -- they grow roots! :
Question: Which dinosaur was the smartest? Answer: The Thesaurus! :
Question: "Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?" Answer: "Because you get a womb with a view!" :
Present tense of perverse: "Pervise." :
"Disgust-o-matic." :
Question: "What did the wall say to the other wall?" Answer: "Meet you around the corner!" :
"I'm on a new weight program -- I wait `til I do it." :
Question: Did you hear that Washington, D.C. now has a new area code? Answer: 911! (or subsitute the name of your favorite violent city) :
Question: Did you hear about the tornado that hit West Virginia? Answer: It caused ten-million dollars worth of improvements! :
Question: What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a computer? Answer: A hairy reasoner! :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a one footed mongoloid?" Answer: "A polaroid one-step!" :
Question: What has 300 feet and 7 teeth? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert! :
Question: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? Answer: You can't hear an enzyme! :
Question: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton, and Jane Fonda? Answer: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam! :
Question: What's the difference between an onion and a banjo? Answer: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo! :
Question: "Why did the turtle cross the road?" Answer: "To get to the Shell station!" :
"I've been in love with the same woman for 35 years -- if my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!" :
Question: What did Josephine get when she dropped a bomb on the kitchen floor? Answer: Linoleum blown-apart! :
I had acne so bad when I was a teenager, a blind guy in the library tried to read my face! :
Drunk to bartender: Give that douche-bag at the end of the bar a drink on me! Bartender: Sir, we do not refer to ladies as douche-bags! Finally gives up. Bartender (to lady): The gentleman would like to buy you a drink. She: I'll have a vinegar & water!!:
Question: "How can you tell when your bartender is pissed off?" Answer: "When you find a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!" :
Question: What do the World Series and a bear wearing a condom have in common? Answer: They'll both never have cubs! :
Queen Elizabeth at O's game. "Run hastily, young man, run hastily!," she yells after each hit. 6th inning, a player walks. "Run hastily, young man!" Larry Lucchiano: He walked, your majesty. Q: Walked?! L: He got four balls. Q: Walk proudly, young man!! :
"What kind of bees make honey?" "Honey bees." What kind of bees make milk?" "Boo-bees!" :
Question: Why don't black women want their daughters to marry Mexican men? Answer: Because they're afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal! :
Question: What does it mean to renege? Answer: The shift change at the car wash!! :
Host invites friends to costume party, says "Come dressed as an emotion." Woman in red. "Good, you're red with anger." Man in green. "Green with envy." Black guy, naked, with his hard dick in pie. Host: "I don't get it." Black: "I'm fuckin' dis-custard!":
A black lady goes to the drug store and asks the Pharmacist for a box of tampons. P: Yes maam, what kind would you like? She: What do you mean? P: I mean, what's your system like -- what's your flow? She: Linoleum. :
Question: What do you call a white baby who goes to heaven? Answer: An angel. Question: What do you call a black baby who goes to heaven? Answer: A bat! :
A black woman has 15 kids and they're all named Leroy. Her friend asks, "Doesn't it get confusing when you call them?" The woman replies, "Oh, no, not at all -- I call them by their last names!" :
Question: Why did the black man raise chickens in his backyard? Answer: So he could teach his children how to walk! :
2 black women at gorilla cage in zoo. Suddenly, gorilla grabs one, pulls her thru cage, beats & rapes her, sends her to hospital. Friend visits. Friend: "Do it hurt?" "Girl, it hurt like hell -- he don't call, don't write, he don't even send me flowers!":
Question: "Why do black people have sex on their minds all the time?" Answer: "You would too if you had pubic hairs on your head!" :
Question: "There's three guys in the 2nd grade -- a black guy, an Irish guy, and a Chinese guy. Which one has the biggest dick and why?" Answer: "The black guy -- because he's 27 years old!" :
A black guy wears a tuxedo to his vascetomy operation. The doctor asks him why. Black Guy: "If I'm gonna be impotent, I wanna look impotent!" (important). :
Question: What has six arms and legs and shouts: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do?" Answer: Three black guys running for the elevator. :
A blind man with his seeing eye dog crosses the street and nearly gets run over by a bus in the process. The blind man responds by feeding his dog some crackers. A witness to the incident approaches and cannot believe what he has just seen! Witness: :
"Hey mister -- that dog nearly got you killed, and now you're rewarding him with crackers??!!" Blind man: "Yeah, I'm just trying to find the dog's head so I can kick it in the ass!!!" :
Blind guy goes into a department store with his seeing eye dog, grabs the dog by the tail, starts swinging the dog around and around over his head. Shocked employee: "Sir! Sir! Please! May I help you?!?!" Blind guy: "No, I'm just taking a look around!" :
Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office -- a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. Brunette: I think I'm going to have a baby girl because I was on top when I did it with my husband!" Redhead: "I think I'm going to have a baby boy because:
I was on the bottom when we did it." Just then, the blonde woman starts crying uncontrollably. Others: "What's wrong??!!" Blonde: "I think I'm gonna have puppies!" :
Question: Why are blondes similar to screen doors? Answer: Because the more you slam `em the looser they get! :
Question: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Answer: Hump-me Dump-me! :
Question: Why don't the blondes in San Fransisco wear mini-skirts in? Answer: Because their balls hang out! :
Question: Why do blondes use two condoms? Answer: Like, for sure, for sure. :
Question: What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt? Answer: A brain tumor. :
Question: How can you tell when a blonde is having an orgasm? Answer: She drops her nail file. :
Question: What is the difference between blondes and 747's? Answer: A lot of guys haven't been on a 747! :
Question: What is a brunette's mating call? Answer: "Is the blonde bitch gone yet?" :
Question: What do blondes and turtles have in common? Answer: Once they're on their backs, they're fucked! :
Question: What is the first thing a blonde says after sex? Answer: "So, are you boys all on the same team?" :
Question: Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month? Answer: Because it said on the box "For 18 to 24 pounds!" :
Question: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? Answer: She opens the car door! :
Question: Why do blondes wear panties? Answer: To keep their ankles warm! :
Question: Why did the blonde quit using her birth control pills? Answer: They kept falling out! :
Question: What do you call a blonde standing on her head? Answer: A brunette with bad breath! :
Question: Why do blondes prefer a sun-roof in the car? Answer: More leg room! :
Question: Why do blondes prefer tilt steering? Answer: More head room! :
Question: What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blonde guy? Answer: The blonde girl has a higher sperm count! :
"20,000 Miles 0n Horseback" by Major Assburn. :
"The Glass Bikini" by Seymour Hair. :
"I Wrestled A Tiger" by Claude Balls. :
Question: What did the doe say after she had a bad experience in the woods? Answer: I'll never do that for a buck again! :
Question: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Answer: Beer nuts cost about a-dollar-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck! :
The L.A.P.D. recently arrested a fellow they saw who was beating up a guy by the interstate. He was arrested for impersonating an officer! :
Question: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Five -- one to actually change it, and four to share in the experience! :
A Chinese guy is in bed with his wife. He feels frisky. Chinese guy: "Honey, how about some 69 tonight!? Wife: "What, chicken and broccoli again??!!" :
There's a new Chinese salad dressing out -- it's called "Cum From Some Young Man." :
"What do you call a fat Chinese girl?" "A chunk!" :
Question: What goes ho-ho-ho-plop? Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off! :
Fairy Godmother: If you're not home by midnight, this time I'll turn your PUSSY into a pumpkin! Cinderella is late, but has a big grin on her face. FG: Cinerella! Why are you smiling?! C: I met a terrific guy at the Prince's party named Peter Peter! :
Question: What do you call a female clone? Answer A clunt. :
When I was a stand-up comedian in Los Angeles, all the girls would tell me how great I was. If I made love to them, they'd tell me how funny I was. :
Question: How many Systems Analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: None -- it's a hardware problem! :
Question: What's the difference between a girlfriend you've had for five years and a computer you've had for five years? Answer: After five years, your computer will still ocassionally go down on you! :
Question: What do you call it when a woman with a small vagina goes to the bathroom? Answer: "Pee-tight." (petite) :
Confucus say: "Woman with blonde hair on head, have black hair by crackee!" :
Confucus say: "Man dating a woman on her period end up with a cottin' pickin' time." :
Confucus say: "Man who farts in church end up sitting in own pew." :
Confucus say: "Man who walk around with hole in pocket end up feeling cocky all day." :
Confucus say: "Man who goes to sleep with woman on mind, wake up with problem in hand." :
Confucus say: "Virgin like a balloon -- one prick and it all over." :
Cowboy kisses horse's ass, goes in bar, orders beer. Barkeep: Before I serve you, I must say that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life! Why'd you do that? Cowboy: Chapped lips. B: How's it help chapped lips? C: Keeps me from lickin' `em.:
Hollywood is producing a film about "Uncle Eddie's" life. The title will be: "Honey, I Fucked The Kids!" :
Did you hear that Richard Berendzen has a new job? He's going to be the poster boy for Bell Atlantic Caller I.D. (American University President Richard Berendzen accused of making obscene phone calls to childrens day care centers and others on 4/24/1990):
Question: Who was the 1st reporter Richard Berendzen called with his side of the story? Answer: Ted Koppel's kids! :
Richard Berendzen went to Johns Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation. I wonder if he has a phone in his room?! :
The Richard Berendzen hotline: 976-5437 -- 976-KIDS! :
They asked Richard Berendzen why he made those calls. He said the AT&T ads inspired him. The ads say: "If you can't come, call!" :
Hollywood will make a film of Richard Berendzen's life. The title to be: "Fetal Attraction!" :
Question: What did the A.U. alumni give Richard Berendzen as a goodbye gift? Answer: Speed dialing! :
Question: How did AIDS travel from the West coast to the East coast? Answer: Magic. :
Question: Why did George Steinbrenner want to have Billy Martin cremated? Answer: So he could see Billy fired one last time. :
Question: What do Billy Martin and a statuette of Saint Christopher have in common? Answer: They're both plastered on the dashboard of a pickup truck. :
Question: What do Billy Martin and the New York Rangers hockey team have in common? Answer: Sudden death. :
Question: What were Billy Martin's last words? Answer: I said a Bud Light, not a hard right!!! :
Question: What do The L.A. Lakers and Wilt Chamberlin both have in common? Answer: They both have a magic johnson. :
Question: How many letters are there in the alphabet? Answer: 23, because Magic Johnson has the H, the I, and the V. :
Did you here that David Copperfield has AIDS? Because he was fuckin' around with magic! :
Did you hear about the ad Jeffery Dahmer put in the paper to sublet his apartment? It read: "Roomates included, some assembly required!" :
Question: What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman? Answer: Stop playing with your food! :
Jeffery Dahmer's favorite shampoo: "Head And Shoulders!" :
Police unearthed 10 jars of male genitalia in Jeffery Dahmer's yard. 5 jars contained human penises. The other 5 jars had penises and testicles inside. Authorities asked Dahmer about this. He replied: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't!":
Do you know why I'm sick and tired of all these Jeffery Dahmer jokes? Because they're giving us homosexual cannibals a bad name! :
Jeffery Dahmer has started his own pizza company in jail. He uses human noses as toppings on the pizza. The name of the new pizza company is: "Dahmer-nose pizza!" :
Did you hear about Jeffery Dahmer's kids? They're spoiled rotten! :
Question: Why did the Jeffery Dahmer stop at the funeral parlor after work? Answer: So he could suck down a few cold ones on the way home! :
Question: What's the alternative to the death sentence in China? Answer: Two years without MSG! :
Question: What's the name of the first student protestor run over by a tank in Tiananmen Square in China? Answer: Some-dumb-fuck! :
The military in China had to recall all the tanks from Tiananmen Square so they could get the chincs out of the treads! :
They had to raise the drinking age in China because too many students were getting tanked! :
Question: What do you call the student protesters in Tiananmen Square in China? Answer: Speed bumps! :
Question: What's the difference between Clarence Thomas and Marion Barry? Answer: Marion Barry likes pubic hair in his coke! :
Question: What did Clarence Thomas say to Anita Hill after the Supreme Court hearings? Answer: I wanted you to lick my erection, not wreck my election! :
Question: Have you heard about the new "Anita Hill" doll? You pull her string, and ten years later she talks and cries!! :
Question: What is Doctor Cecil Jacobson's favorite song? Answer: "I'm so into you!" :
I invited Clarence Thomas and Ted Kennedy to a party. They said they'd come -- as long as there were no hills or bridges on the way! :
Have you heard about the new Mike Tyson golf tournament? It's sponsored by Richard Pryor and Leggs pantyhose and it's called: "The Mike Tyson-Pryor/Leggs Open!" :
Don King took Mike Tyson aside to give him advice about women. Don: "Listen Mike, when you're with a woman, you need to get her consent before having sex with her." Mike: "But I did -- I had her cunt-scent on my lips, I had her cunt-scent on my hands...":
Question: What did Pee Wee Herman say to Mike Tyson? Answer: You should have gone to the movies instead! :
Question: What's the difference between a snow tire and Mike Tyson? Answer: A snow tire doesn't scream when you put chains on it. :
Question: What will happen if Mike Tyson goes to jail? Answer: It will be the first sentence he ever completes! :
Question: How did Mike Tyson explain his actions in his hotel room with former Miss Black Teen, 18 year old Desiree Washington? Answer: He explained that being a fighter, he expected to receive either a bust in the face or a crack in the mouth! :
Question: What is Mike Tyson's idea of foreplay? Answer: (use high lispy voice; make fists, swing four times) "One, two, three, four -- lay on the floor bitch!" :
Question: Have you heard about Pee Wee Herman's new dry cleaning service? Answer: It's the only place in town where you can drop your pants and jacket off (jack it off) at the same time!! :
Have you heard that Pee Wee Heramn is dating again? Yeah, -- the hand from the Addams family! :
Question: What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman? Answer: Stop playing with your food! :
Question: What did Pee Wee Herman say to Mike Tyson? Answer: You should have gone to the movies instead! :
Question: Can you name Pee Wee Herman's favorite baseball teams? Answer: The Yanks and the Expos! :
Question: What's this? (hold your thumb and forefinger in a circle) Answer: Pee Wee's playhouse! :
Question: Can you name two people shot in the back of the head in a theatre? Answer: Abraham Lincoln and the guy who sat in front of Pee Wee Herman! :
Saw a guy wearing a funny T-shirt that read: "Keep your head up, Pee Wee!" On the back of the T-shirt it said: "Pee Wee shall rise again!" :
Question: Why aren't dogs permitted at the White House? Answer: Because they pee on the Bushes and chase the Quayles! :
They're making a movie based on the life of Congressman Lukens -- it's called "Fetal Attraction." :
Question: What's Congressman Lukens new campaign slogan?" Answer: "If they're not old enough to vote -- fuck `em!" (Republican representative Donald "Buzz" E. Lukens is the Ohio Congressman accused of having sex with a 16 year old girl.) :
Question: What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common? Answer: They're both fucking assholes! :
Question: "Why does Effie always climb on top when she's making love to Marion Barry?" Answer: "Because Marion can only fuck-up!" :
Question: Why doesn't Marion Barry like to go to the beach? Answer: Because he hates to get sand in his crack! :
There's a plaque in Marion Barry's office that reads: "This is a work-free drug-place!" :
Question: What do Marion Barry and Dolly Parton have in common? Answer: A little crack and a big bust! :
Question: What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common? Answer: They both blow a little dope! :
Question: What's black on the outside and white on the inside? Answer: Marion Barry's nose! :
Question: What do Marion Barry and the Liberty Bell have in common? Answer: They both stopped working after the crack! :
Question: What do you call a fish that uses cocaine? Answer: A Barry-cuda! (barracuda) :
It's a shame we lost Ed Koch and Marion Barry in the same month -- one would ask, "How am I doing?" and the other, "How much am I doing?" :
Marion Barry has a new breakfast cereal out -- it's called "Crackle `N' Barry!" :
Question: What's Marion Barry's favorite television show? Answer: Totally Hidden Video! :
Top 10 list -- reasons why Marion Barry went to the Vista Hotel: Was lured by free HBO. Hated going through life with first name Marion. Liked the mints on the pillow and one thing lead to another. :
Marion Barry violated the first rule of politics -- keep your nose clean! :
Dan Quayle is so dumb! After the earthquake in San Fransisco, George Bush asked Dan to go to the epicenter and check it out. Dan called the next day from Orlando to report that everything was fine! (he called from the Epcot Center) :
Question: "What did Jim Brady say when he was asked how he felt about his job?" Answer: "If I had half a brain, I'd leave!" OR "I must have had a hole in my head to take this job!" :
Question: "What's Ronald Reagan's favorite vegatable?" Answer: "James Brady." :
Question: What is Bill Clinton's new campaign slogan? Answer: Smell my lips -- no more Bush! :
Question: "Why did Walter Mondale lose the presidential election?" Answer: "He was caught doing 69 in his Ferraro!" :
Have you heard about the new Rodney King lunch special? For $7.95 you get: a club sandwich, beets on the side, a glass of punch, and for dessert -- pound cake! :
Rodney King filed new charges against the four Long Beach police officers who were videotaped beating him. The new charges are for batting out of order! :
The jury in Simi Valley wasn't too smart to begin with. They thought Rodney King was a fight promoter! :
Thanks are due to the TV crew who provided the L.A.P.D. with video footage of the L.A. riots. Police made positive I.D.'s on a gang who beat a man after pulling him from his truck. The gang was arrested and charged with impersonating police officers! :
Question: Why did the Los Angeles Police Department leave the Lakers game early yesterday? Answer: Because they wanted to beat the crowd! :
Did you hear the L.A.P.D. charged Rodney King again? For impersonating a pinata! :
Question: What's the L.A.P.D.'s favorite hand when they're playing poker? Answer: Four clubs and a spade! :
The Los Angeles Police Chief wants to institue a new law: A fifteen day holding period on all video cameras! :
Have you heard about the new Saddam Hussein condoms? They're designed for pricks who refuse to pull out! :
Dan Quayle is so dumb! After the earthquake in San Fransisco, George Bush asked Dan to go to the epicenter and check it out. Dan called the next day from Orlando to report that everything was fine! (he called from the Epcot Center) :
They've renamed the San Francisco 49er's -- now they're the 4.9er's! :
They're renaming Candlestick Park -- Wiggly Field! :
Question: Have you heard the name of Ted Kennedy's new law firm? Answer: Dine`em-Dick`em-Dunk`em & Drown`em. :
Did you hear that Oliver Stone is directing a new movie about Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick incident? Because now there is a second car theory. :
Question: Can you name the new chauffeur that Ted Kennedy hired? Answer: Jacques Cousteau. :
Question: What did Charles Stuart say to his wife after they got out of Le-Maz class? Answer: Honey, you need a baby like you need a hole in the head! :
The Boston Police found Charles Stuart's dead body in the river after he jumped from the Tobin Bridge. There was a suicide note in his pocket that read: "A black man pushed me." :
Question: What's the difference between Charles Stuart and Larry Bird? Answer: Larry Bird jumps and then shoots! :
Question: Have you heard the new Kennedy slogan? Answer: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how many you can do in your country! :
Question: What did William Kennedy Smith say to his date in Florida? Answer: Either do things my way, or I'll have my Uncle Ted drive you home! :
There's a sign on the Kennedy compound in Florida that reads: Trespassers will be violated! :
Question: "What was Ted Bundy's last job?" Answer: "He was a conductor!" :
Question: What are the five most dangerous things in the world? Answer: 1 - A Puerto Rican with a knife. 2 - A black with a gun. 3 - A Jew with a lawyer. 4 - A Pollack with an idea. 5 - A faggot with a chipped tooth and hemorrhoids! :
Question: "What are Andy Gibb, Arthur Fiedler, and Liberace doing right about now?" Answer: "De-composing!" :
The little girl looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what's the definition of a degenerate?" Father: "Shut up and keep sucking!" :
Hugh Hefner invites Mick Jagger to a big bash at the Playboy mansion. When Mick arrives, he sees that Hugh O' Brian and Dennis Weaver are also at the party. Mick's having a great time. After quite a bit of drinking, Mick goes into the bathroom to relieve:
himself. Suddenly, he hears moaning and groaning behind the shower curtain. Mick pulls back the curtain, he looks in bathtub to see Hugh Hefner and Hugh O' Brian alternately butt fucking Dennis Weaver. Mick: "Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, -- get off of McCloud!":
"I went to the Doctor for a checkup and he wanted a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample -- so I left him my underwear!" :
"I told the doctor I wanted to stop aging, so he gave me a gun!" :
Doctor to nurse: "Nurse, would you please get me an anal thermometer?" The nurse returns and hands the doctor a pen. Doctor: "Nurse, this is a pen." Nurse: "Oh, some other asshole must have my thermometer." :
Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook? "One-hundred Ways To Cook Your Dog." :
Question: What do you do when a Pitt Bull starts humping your leg? Answer: Fake orgasm! :
Question: Why does a dog lick its dick? Answer: Because they can't make a fist! :
Question: "What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs?" Answer: "Take him for a drag." :
A woman went to her vet to complain about how her dog would start humping her everytime she stooped or bent over anywhere in the house. She: "Is there anything you can do, doctor?" Doctor: "Well, I could cut his balls off. That should solve the problem.":
She: "Oh, don't do that! -- just trim his nails and can you do something about his breath?" :
Beautiful blonde bombshell follows Donald Trump in elevator on the way to his office. She: Mr. Trump, I admire you so much. Now that we're alone in this elevator together, I'd like to offer you the best blow job you've ever had! Don: What's in it for me?:
"Why did Dorothy Kilgallen's parents name her Dorothy?" "Because they didn't know how to spell Yeecccchhh!" :
"I combined LSD with prune juice." "What happened?" "I don't remember, but wow, what a trip!!" Alternate punchline: "I don't know, but I took several trips!" :
"Did you hear about the dyslexic cop that was assigned on the sobriety check?" "He was handing out I.U.D.'s" (Instead of D.U.I.'s, Driving Under the Influence) :
Question: "What do elephants use for tampons?" Answer: "Sheep!" :
Question: How do you paralyze a woman from the neck down? Answer: Marry her! :
Question: What do you call an epileptic on a bed of lettuce? Answer: A seizure salad! :
Question: "What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?" Answer: "A show-off!" :
Question: "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Ten -- one to change it and the other nine to protest the violation of the socket!" :
Question: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: That's not funny. :
Question: Why did the feminist cross the road? Answer: Never mind that, what the hell was the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!?!! :
Question: "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Three -- one to change it, another to say how degrading it is, and the third to write a book about it!" :
Question: "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Two -- one to change it and the other to suck my dick!" :
Question: "What's old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?" Answer: "Fred Astaire's face!" :
Question: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Answer: Nothing. :
Question: What is the proper way to eat a frog? Answer: Very carefully. First, place the frog's left leg over your right ear; next, the right leg goes over your left ear! :
Question: "Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vinegar douche?" Answer: "Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!" :
Question: "Why can't Miss Piggy ever count to 100?" Answer: "Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!" :
Lady Customer: "I'd like half a head of lettuce." Grocer: "We only sell lettuce as whole heads." Customer: "I just want half." Grocer: "Okay." He walks in the back and she follows, but he doesn't notice. He starts to cut the lettuce in half. Manager: :
"Hey! -- what are you doing?" Grocer: "Some crazy bitch out there wants half a head of lettuce..." Grocer turns around and discovers that the woman has been standing behind him the whole time. Grocer: "...and this lovely lady wants the other half." The :
lady leaves. Manager: "Hey, you handled that pretty well -- I'm opening a store in Toronto and I want you to be the manager." Grocer: "Toronto, Canada?" Manager: "Yes." Grocer: "The only thing they have in Toronto is prostitutes and hockey players." :
Manager: "I'll have you know that my wife is from Toronto!" Grocer: "Oh, really? -- what team did she play for?" :
People ask me what kind of women I like. Am I a leg man, a chest man, or an ass man? I tell them I must be an ass man, because everywhere I go, women say, "You're an ass, man!" :
Question: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs at the bottom of an elevator shaft? Answer: "Dot!" :
Question: What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs? Answer: "Nice tits!" :
Question: What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Answer: "Cuntzweylow!" ("Cunt's-way-low," variation of "Consuela") :
Question: What do you call a girl with one leg? Answer: "Ilene." :
Question: What do you call an Oriental girl with one leg: Answer: "Irene." :
Question: What do you call a girl with a wooden leg? Answer: "Peg." :
Question: "What do you call an amputee dog?" Answer: "Nothing, because he won't come anyway!" :
A woman walks into the pro shop at the country club with tears streaming down her face. Golf Pro: "Oh my god -- what happened?!" She: "I got stung by a bee!" Golf Pro: "I'm so sorry -- where did it happen?" She: "Between the first and second holes!" Golf:
Pro: "Well that's your problem, lady -- your stance is too wide!" :
An up and coming golfer on the PGA tour had just finished a zesty session with one of the tour's most popular groupies. He was walking into the bathroom when she called out, "You're not through are you? I mean, that's not how Jack [Nicklaus] would do :
it." Well, the young golfer wasn't going to be outdone by anyone, even the Golden Bear. So he mustered up his strength and went to work again. Once again he started towards the bathroom when he again heard, "Where you going? That's not how Jack would do:
it." Well by now he crawls back into bed and gives it one last shot, rolls out of bed and begins crawling on the floor when she calls out, once again, "Where you going? That's not how Jack would do it." At this time, he picks up the phone and dials. :
2 male friends in their 30's are playing golf during a mild rain. Since the weather doesn't appear to threatening, they decide to continue. Tragically, both are struck by lightning and killed instantly. They report to Saint Peter at the pearly gates for :
"What are you doing?," she asks. "I'm going to call up Jack," he gasps, "and find out what par is on this hole!!" :
admission into heaven. Saint Peter looks in his book and doesn't see their names on the list. Saint Peter: "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake! Your time wasn't up yet! Neither of you should be here now, you had quite a few more years to go. I'll:
tell you what -- as a consolation, I'll allow both of you to return to earth as whomever you wish!" The golf buddies huddle briefly, then return with their request. 1st Golf Buddy: "We'd like to return to earth as lesbians. Is that all right?" Saint :
Peter: (puzzled) "Yes, that would be all right, but why in heaven's name do you both want to be lesbians?" 2nd Golf Buddy: "Because we can still have all the pussy we want -- plus we'll be able to hit from the red tee's!" :
Question: What do you call the womens LPGA? Answer: Dykes on spikes! :
Two guys playing golf. Two women ahead of them are really slow. 1st guy: "I'll ask them to hurry up." He returns shortly. "Oh my God, I can't go down there -- that's my wife and my mistress. 2nd guy says "I'll go." 2nd guy (returns): "Small world." :
Guy meets a good looking girl in a bar. Before you know it, they end up at her place. One thing leads to another and next thing you know, they're doing the wild thing! Afterward, he lights up a cigarette and asks, "Well, baby, how was I?" She: "I have :
good news and bad news." He: "I'd like the good news first." She: "You're much better than Magic Johnson!" :
I went to the doctor for a checkup and he said, "I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is -- you have homosexual tendencies." "What's the good news?," I asked. Doctor: "I'm in love with you!" :
Question: "What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home?" Answer: "A virgin." :
A man walks into a restaurant and asks to be seated. Maitre d': "Do you have a reservation, sir?" Man: "No." Maitre d': "I'm sorry sir, we're completely booked tonight. But if you have a seat at the bar, a table may open up in an hour or two." Man: "An :
hour or two? Listen buddy, I'm hungry right now and I demand to be served! If you don't seat me immediately, I'll go to that spittoon at the bar and start drinkng it!" Maitre d': "Sir, there's nothing I can do." So sure enough, the man grabs the spittoon:
and proceeds to drink from it. Everyone in the restaurant is horrified and repulsed. Customers start getting nauseous, and leave the restaurant. Maitre d': "Sir, please stop!! I'll find you a table!" The man continues to drink from the spittoon. More :
customers leave. Maitre d': "Sir -- stop! A table just became available!" Yet the man continues to drink from the spittoon, making loud slurping and gulping noises. Pretty soon, the whole restaurant is vacant, yet the man still drinks from the spittoon. :
Finally, he's finished. Maitre d': "Sir, why didn't you stop? -- you could have had anything in the restaurant!" Man: I couldn't stop -- that was all the same strand!!" :
Question: Why can't witches have babies? Answer: Because their husbands have hollow-weenies. :
Question: Why can't gypsies have babies? Answer: Because their husbands have glass balls. :
Vet applies for job. He fills out application, goes for interview. Employer: Your application states that you are handicapped. Do you mind telling me what the problem is? Vet: I had my nuts blown off in Vietnam. Employer: Oh, really? That's too bad. The :
rest of your qualifications look excellent. Report to work on Monday at 11AM. Vet: That's great, but isn't 11AM a bit late to start work? Employer: Well most of the guys come in at 9, but they usually just sit around scratching their nuts for 2 hours! :
Texan on Harvard campus. Texan: (heavy western twang) "Can y`all tell me where the library's at?" Harvard Man: "Sir, at Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition." Texan: "Oh, I'm sorry -- can y`all tell me where the library's at -- asshole!!" :
Mike to physician: "So, doctor -- what do you think of the rectum as a hole (whole)?" :
Doc: You have cancer, Jim & 6 months to live. Later, Jim to Barkeep: Doctor said I have AIDS. Doc enters bar. Barkeep: Too bad about Jim with AIDS, huh doc? Doc: Jim, I said you have cancer, not AIDS. Jim: When I die, I don't want anyone to fuck my wife!:
Question: What does an eskimo use "Preparation H" for? Answer: Polaroids! :
"Everyone in heaven is awarded a car according to how good a life they've led. A guy in a Rolls Royce cries because he just saw his wife on a scooter." :
Question: What's this? (tap the person you're telling the joke to on the back several times) Answer: Hellen Keller talking behind your back! :
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller dolls? You wind them up and they walk into walls. :
Question: "Why did Helen Keller use two hands to masturbate?" Answer: "One to do it and one to moan." :
An obnoxious drunk who has obviously had one too many, stands on a barstool in the middle of the bar and loudly proclaims: "Everyone on this side of the bar is a motherfucker! And everyone on that side of the bar is a cocksucker!!" Just then, a demure :
young man gets up off his barstool. "Where the hell do you think you're going?!," demands the drunk. Demure guy: (lisps) "I'm just changing sides -- I was sitting at the wrong end of the bar." :
Question: Why did God invent whiskey? Answer: Because fat girls need to get laid too! :
Question: Why did God invent whiskey? Answer: So the Irish wouldn't rule the world! :
Question: Why don't 7-11's ever have red dot sales? Answer: Because if they did, they wouldn't have any employees left! :
Question: "Why do they call camels the ships of the desert?" Answer: "Because they're full of Iranian seamen!" :
Question: "Why can't you circumcise an Iranian?" Answer: "Because there's no end to those pricks!" :
American in Irish bar in Ireland. Irish guy walks up to him. Irish guy: Your American beer reminds me of making love in a boat. American: Oh yeah, why is that? Irish guy: They're both fucking close to water. :
Question: Why did God invent whiskey? Answer: So the Irish wouldn't rule the world! :
Did you hear about the queer Irishman? He preferred women over whiskey! :
Question: "What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?" Answer: Sicily!" :
Question: "Why is Italy shaped like a boot?" Answer: Because they couldn't fit all that shit in a tennis shoe!" :
Did you hear about the alligators in Florida with little pink cement Italians on their front lawn? :
Lady shopping: "Vinnie, I want a dozen tomatoes." V: "We don't got no fuckin' tomatoes!" L: "Vinnie, you're so dumb -- I bet you can't even spell tomato!" V: "T-O-M-A-T-F-U-C-K-O!" L: "There's no fuck in tomatoes." V: "That's what I'm tryin' to tell ya!":
Question: Why does time pass so quickly in Italy? Answer: Because every time you look up, another day goes (dagos) by! :
Question: What did the Romans say to Jesus Christ on Good Friday? Answer: You drop that cross one more time, and you're out of the parade! :
Jesus Christ goes into the Holiday Inn, puts 3 nails on the counter and says, "I want to be put up for the night." :
Question: Have you heard about the new kosher tire? Answer: Not only does it stop on a dime, but it bends over to pick it up! :
Question: Why is money green? Answer: The Jews picked it before it was ripe. :
Did you hear about the alligators in Florida with little Jews on their T-Shirts? :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a Gypsy with a Jew?" Answer: "A chain of empty stores!" :
Jewish kid asks his dad for a loan of $50.00. Dad says, "$40.00?! -- what do you need $20.00 for?!" :
Question: What is a Jewish American Princess' idea of natural childbirth? Answer: Absolutely no makeup! :
Question: What's the only thing a Jewish American Princess will go down on? Answer: The elevator at Bloomingdale's! :
Question: What's the difference between a JAP and a Pit Bull? Answer: The JAP is the one wearing lipstick! :
VISUAL JOKE: Question: How does a Jewish American Princess eat a banana? Answer: PLACE YOUR HAND BEHIND YOUR HEAD, OPEN YOUR MOUTH, THEN PUSH YOUR HEAD DOWN LIKE YOU ARE BEING FORCED TO GO DOWN ON THE BANANA. FUNNY STUFF. :
Two Jewish immigrants from Prague, Czechoslovakia visit the National Zoo in Washington D.C. for first time. They admire two lions in a cage when suddenly, one of the animals grabs the 1st man, pulls him through the cage and devours him! The 2nd Jewish :
immigrant freaks! He calls the Zookeeper over. Immigrant: "Please, please -- save my friend! The lion ate him!!" Zookeeper: "Which lion?" Immigrant: (panicky) "I think it's the one with the mane." The Zookeeper shoots the lion, cuts him open, but there's:
not a trace of the victim in the lion's stomach. Immigrant: "Oh my God! -- the female lion must have ate him!" The Zookeeper shoots the female lion, cuts her open, and sure enough, there's the 2nd immigrant in the female's stomach. But it's too late to :
save him. The moral of the story is: Anytime a Jew tells you the Czech's in the male -- don't believe him!! :
A black man rubs a magic lamp he finds in Miami Beach & a Jewish Genie appears. Genie: "I'm Mr. Shapiro, your Jewish Genie! You have 3 wishes." Black: "Gee, Mr. Shapiro I always wanted a Mansion & a Mercedes." Poof! -- they both appear. Genie: "Your 3rd :
wish?" Black Guy: "I always wanted to be inside a white woman." Poof! -- the Genie turns the Black Guy into a tampon. The moral of the story is: Anytime a Jew does anything for a Black -- there's a string attached! :
Question: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? Answer: Because they like the part where the girl gives back the $100.00 bill! :
Question: How was the Grand Canyon formed? Answer: Someone threw a penny in a ditch and some Jews went digging for it. :
Question: Why do Jews have big noses? Answer: Air is free! :
Question: "How do you get a Kleenex to dance?" Answer: "Blow a little boogie into it." :
There's a new sign posted at the interstate greeting visitors to The City Of Angels that reads: "Welcome to L.A. -- where we treat you like a king!" :
Question: Why did the L.A.P.D. leave the Lakers/Dodgers/Angels/Rams/Raiders/Kings (your choice) game early? Answer: They wanted to beat the crowd! :
Question: What is a leper's favorite song? Answer: "I fall to pieces." :
Question: "What do you call 3 lepers in a jacuzzzi?" Answer:"Soup." :
Question: "Why did the lepers have to give up playing hockey?" Answer: "Because they got a face-off in the corner." :
"Let's make like an ameoba and split." "Let's make like Shephards and get the flock outta here." "Let's make like a baby and head out." "Let's make like horse shit and hit the trail." "Let's make like Reagan and blame it on everyone else." :
2 male friends converse over the picket fence somewhere in suburbia. 1st man: (complaining) "I'm so broke -- I just spent a fortune on my wife for her birthday. I bought her a new Mercedes and a diamond necklace!" 2nd man: "Why both?" 1st man: "I thought:
if she didn't like the diamond necklace, she'd like the Mercedes." 2nd man: "You should have done what I did for my wife on her last birthday. I gave her a pair of slippers and a dildo. I figure if she didn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!!":
Question: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Five -- one to actually change it, and four to share in the experience! :
Question: "How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Answer: "They don't -- they screw in the hot tub!" :
Question: How many Systems Analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: None -- it's a hardware problem! :
Question: "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Ten -- one to change it and the other nine to protest the violation of the socket!" :
Question: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: That's not funny. :
Question: "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Three -- one to change it, another to say how degrading it is, and the third to write a book about it!" :
Question: "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "Two -- one to change it and the other to suck my dick!" :
Question: "How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "None of your fuckin' business!!" :
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, wiping cum from his chin, "If my ear were a pussy, I'd fuck it!" :
Ther was a man from Manass, whose balls were made of spun glass. When he rubbed them together, they played "Stormy Weather," and lightning shot out of his ass! :
In the garden of Eden there was Adam, strokin' the breasts of his madam. He did it with firth, `cause he knew that on earth, there were only two boobs and he had `em. :
VISUAL JOKE. Write the following on a piece of paper to show to the person(s) you are telling the joke to: "Richard and Robert screwed the rabbit." Ask, can you say this without the "R's?" Now write as follows on the paper: "Dick & Bob fucked the bunny!":
Question: What do you call a Mexican baptism? Answer: A bean dip! :
Question: Why are there no Mexican athletes in the 1992 Olympics? Answer: Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the U.S.! :
Question: What do sperm cells have in common with Mexicans? Answer: Only one in 24,000 work. :
Question: "Why were there only 500 Mexican soldiers at the Alamo?" Answer: "Because they only had two Chevys." :
Question: "Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans?" Answer: "Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?!" :
Black guy in a black suit driving a black cadillac -- that's black power! White guy in a white suit driving a white cadillac -- that's white power! Mexican guy in a red suit driving a red cadillac -- that's grand theft auto!" :
Mickey and Minnie Mouse in divorce court. Judge: "Mickey, I can't grant you a divorce just because you said Minnie was silly." Mickey: "I didn't say she was silly, judge -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy!" :
John (to Joe): Joe, I saw a girl wearing the shortest mini-skirt that I've ever seen in my life! Joe: Oh, really? How short was it? John: It was so short, that if she had a W on each cheek and bent over, it would spell: WOW! Now that's short!! :
Circus bus crashes. Everyone dead, except monkey. Police ask monkey what happened. He mimes: they were drinking, smoking pot, dancing to music, having sex. Police: "What were you doing while all this was going on?" Monkey mimes driving bus, looking back.:
A mugger accosts a woman, holds a gun to her. Man: Okay lady, gimmie all your money or I'll shoot. She: Mister, mister I don't have any money. The man frisks her all over her body, finds no money, he empties her purse -- no money. Man: Okay lady, this is:
really your last chance -- gimmie all your money right now! She: Mister, mister -- I don't have any money. He rips her bra off, feels her tits, rips off her panties, feels all around -- no money. Man: Okay lady, this is it -- I want all your money right:
now or I swear I'll shoot! She: I told you I don't have any money, but don't stop now -- I'll write you a check!! :
Have you heard the new country song that's at the top of the charts? "I hate every bone in your body, except mine!" :
Question: How does a New Yorker give CPR? Answer: "Get the fuck up -- you might die, or somethin'!" :
Question: How do you say "fuck you" in New York City? Answer: "Trust me." :
Question: "How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "None of your fuckin' business!!" :
Old couple have Alzheimer's disease. He (after luch): I'll get peaches & cream for dessert. She: Write it down or you'll forget. H: No I won't -- peaches & cream, peaches & cream, peaches & cream! He returns with eggs. S: I knew you'd forget the bacon!!!:
Old couple at gas station. Wife hard of hearing, always asks, "Wha'd he say?" Gas Station Attendant: "I see you're from Chicago -- I was in Chicago once -- lousiest lay of my life." Wife: "Wha'd he say?" Husband: "He said he thinks he knows you!" :
Question: What did Oprah Winfrey's husband say to her when she suggested they try a new sex position? Answer: "How now, brown cow?!" :
Paratrooper to Dad on phone: "Dad, tomorrow I jump from a plane for the 1st time. I'm scared." Dad: "Don't worry, call me tomorrow to tell me how it went." Son calls next day. Dad: "Well?" Son: "Dad, I was the last to jump. I was nervous. This big, mean :
Staff Sergeant walked up to me and said "If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my big black cock straight up your ass!" Dad: "Well -- did you jump?" Son: "Just a little." :
Woman in San Francisco bakes cake. There's a mild earthquake tremor and a box of BB's falls into the batter. She strains them all out with a seive and serves the cake to her family, hoping she got all the BB's out of the batter. A bit later the 8 year :
old daughter returns and says, "Mommy, I just peed a BB." Mom: "Well thet's all right -- at least it's going through your system. 10 minutes later the 13 year old daughter says same. Mom: "That's all right -- it'll go right through your system. Later, :
the 16 year old son says, "Mom, I was jacking off in the back yard and I just shot the dog!!" :
Lisa had a turtle, Lisa had a duck -- she put `em in the bathtub, to see if they would float. :
Mom Polar Bear & cub in frozen Arctic Tundra. Cub: Mom, what kind of bear am I? Mom: You're a Polar Bear, son. Later. Mom, you sure I'm not a Koala Bear or a Grizzly Bear, etc.? M: No, you're a Polar Bear, what's the problem?! C: I'm freezin' my ass off!:
Did you hear the Democrats are changing their mascot symbol/logo from a donkey to a condom? Because it promotes inflation, reduces production, and covers thousands and thousands of pricks! :
Question: "How do you get a Polish girl pregnant?" Answer: "Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest!" :
Question: "What do you call a Polish girl with half a brain?" Answer: "Gifted!" :
Question: "What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?" Answer: "A tourist!" :
Question: "How do you know when a Polish girl is menstruating?" Answer: "She's only wearing one sock!" :
Question: "How can you tell if a Polish woman isn't wearing any underwear?" Answer: "Look for the dandruff on her shoes!" :
Question: "Why don't Polish women breast feed their babies?" Answer: "Because it hurts too much when they boil their nipples!" :
Question: "What do you call a Polish woman with a pair of K-Mart shopping bags?" Answer: "Matching luggage!" :
Question: "Why don't Polish Cheerleaders do the splits?" Answer: "Because if they did, they would stick to the floor!" :
Question: What did the recently married Polish guy say to his buddies to impress them when he got back from his honeymoon? Answer: I could have fucked her! :
Why did 18 Pollacks go to see the XXX rated movie? Because the sign said: "Under 18 not admitted." :
Question: What's Polish shisk-ke-bob? Answer: A flaming sword through a garbage can! :
VISUAL JOKE. Question: "What's this?" Then hold one thumb of your right hand out like you're hitch-hiking and hold your left palm flat over your right hand. Answer: "A Pollack hitch-hiking in the rain!" :
Question: "What's this?" Hold up your left hand and fold in the middle two fingers and thumb. Answer: "A Polish buzz-saw operator ordering five beers!" :
Did you hear about the Polish proctologist? He thought asphalt was a rectal problem! :
A Pollack walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?" The parrot says "Poland." :
Question: "Why do Pollack's carry shit in their wallet?" Answer: "For identification." :
Did you hear about the Polish troop? They got caught in an Iranian zoo trying to free the Ostriches. :
Question: "Why don't Polish babies play in sandboxes?" Answer: "Because the cats keep covering them up." :
Question: "How do you keep Pollacks out of your backyard?" Answer: "Put your garbage in your front yard!" :
Question: "How do you kill a Pollack?" Answer: "Smash the toilet seat over his head while he's getting a drink of water." :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a Pollack?" Answer: "A dumb gorilla." :
Question: "Why don't they have ice cubes in Poland?" Answer: "Because they lost the recipe!" :
Question: "Why do Pollacks smear shit on the walls at Polish weddings? Answer: "To keep the flies off the bride!" :
Question: "Why do Pollacks wear turtlenecks?" Answer: "To hide their flea collars." :
Question: "Why do you call a Pollack with an I.Q. of 176?" Answer: "A village." :
Question: "How do you tell how many Pollacks live in a town?" Answer: "Count the cellar windows and multiply by 36." :
Question: "Why are hockey goaltenders and Polish girls alike? Answer: "They both change their pads after three periods!" :
Question: "What happens when a Pollack doesn't pay his garbage bill?" Answer: "They speed up delivery!" :
Did you hear about the Pollack who was asked to be a Jehovah's Witness? He refused because he said he didn't see the accident. :
Two Pollacks on a bear hunting trip. They're driving through the mountains and they see a sign that says "Bear Left," so they went home. :
Pollack driving to the airport. He sees a sign that says "Airport Left," so he went home. :
Did you hear about the Pollack who ended up in the hospital while raking leaves? -- he fell out of the tree! :
Did you hear about the Polish wolf? He got caught in a trap and bit off three of his legs trying to get out -- he still had one leg left in the trap! :
2 buckets of puke walk down the street. They pass a bar, when suddenly, the 1st bucket of puke starts crying. 2nd bucket of puke: "My God man, what's wrong?!" 1st bucket of puke: "I always get sentimental here -- you see, this is where I was brought up!":
"What's an innuendo?" "An Italian suppository!" :
Question: "What do you call that black stuff between the toes of elephants in Africa?" Answer: "Slow Pygmies!" :
"It's better to be an asshole than a whole ass!" :
"Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way!!!" :
Reality is for those who can't face drugs. :
"Eat shit -- 10,000,000 fly can't be wrong!" :
He's the only guy I know who gets more ass than a toilet seat! :
"Newton was wrong -- there's no such thing as gravity -- the world sucks!" :
Life's a bitch, so why not be one? :
"If you can screw it, why marry it?" :
You know what I always say: "I'd lose my dick if it weren't wrapped around my ankle." :
Sledgehammer to woman cop killer who's trying to knife him: "You need to see a special psychiatrist!" Woman: "What kind?" Sledge: "The kind that's licensed to kill their patients!" :
"Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll discuss the first thing that comes up!" :
"He's the only guy I know that will go to a date with a Whitman Sampler and flowers in one hand, and a bottle of Crisco in the other." :
Question: What does a redneck woman say during foreplay? Answer: "Just pull down my nightgown when you're done, darlin'." :
You're a redneck if... you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. :
You're a redneck if... the most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the hell are YOU looking at, shithead?" :
You're a redneck if... you wait to break wind in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse. :
You're a redneck if... your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass. :
You're a redneck if... you've ever used lard in bed. :
Question: What do you call a neighborhood full of rednecks and pit bulls? Answer: All white. :
Question: What does a redneck say to his or her mate to stimulate foreplay? Answer: "You awake?" :
Question: What's white and falls from the sky? Answer: The coming of the Lord! :
"The Jimmy Swaggart sandwich -- pretty expensive sandwich. It costs $20.00 and you pay to watch someone else eat it." :
"What do you call a nun who's had a sex change operation?" "A Trans-sister!" :
"Why don't Baptists ever have sex standing up?" "Because people might think they're dancing!" :
3 nuns in heaven are given a quiz by Saint Peter to gain entry into golden gates. To 3rd nun: "What did Eve say to Adam on their wedding night?" Nun: (thinking aloud) "That's a hard one." Peter: "Right!" He lets her in. :
A man in hell. The devil leads him to a bar in a room with a bevy of beautiful women drinking there. Devil: "This is how you will spend eternity!" Man: "What's so bad about this?" Devil: "All the liquor bottles have holes in them -- and the women don't!":
Guy in hell, 3 ways to spend eternity, naked standing on your head surrounded by sharp metal spikes, broken glass, or chest deep in cow manure drinking coffee. He opts for 3rd. Hears on loudspeaker: Okay everyone, coffee break's over, back on your heads!:
Confucus say: "Woman with blonde hair on head, have black hair by crackee!" :
Question: What do you call it when a woman with a small vagina goes to the bathroom? Answer: "Pee-tight." (petite) :
Question: Why did the bumble bee stop at the gas station to use the rest room? Answer: Because he had to make a BP (bee pee) stop! :
Question: What did Spock find in Kirk's bathroom? Answer: The Captain's log! :
Question: What do toilet paper and Star Trek have in common? Answer: They both have Kling-ons circling Uranus! :
"Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new album?" "Neither has he!" :
Have you heard Teddy Pendergrass has a new album? It's called "Teddy -- Live, From The Neck Up!" :
Three salesmen traveling together through the midwest -- a Jewish salesman, an Irish salesman, and an Indian salesman. Their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk to the nearest farm and ask the farmer to be put up for the night. Farmer: :
"Yeah, y`all can stay here tonight -- the only problem is, I only got two extra beds -- one of ya is gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Indian guy says: "Oh, that is no problem at all -- I'll sleep in the barn." Agreed. Everyone gets in bed, pulls the:
covers up to go to sleep. Suddenly, the farmer hears BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! on his bedroom door. He gets up, answers the door. The Indian man is standing there. Indian: "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I cannot sleep in the barn. There is a cow in there and :
cows are sacred in my country." The Jewish man volunteers to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! The farmer gets up, answers the door. Jew: "I can't sleep in the barn. I didn't realize there's a pig in the barn and he's not kosher." :
Irish guy: "That's okay -- I'll sleep in the barn." Irish guy goes into the barn. Two minutes later, the farmer hears BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! on the bedroom door. The farmer answers the door and the pig and the cow are both standing there. :
Question: Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Answer: The same place you left him! :
John: "Boy, was it hot today!" Joe: "How hot was it, John?" John: "It was so hot, I saw a tree bend over to thank a dog!" :
Question: "What's the best thing about going to a bulimia party?" Answer: "When the cake jumps out of the girl!" :
Question: How do you know when you're at a real West Virginia wedding? Answer: Because the entire congegation is sitting on the same side of the church! :
It's a state law in in West Virginia that if a man and woman get divorced, they remain brother and sister! :
Somewhere in the hills of West Virginina, a 17 year old daughter approaches her daddy. Daughter: "Daddy, can I borrow the car tonight?" Daddy: "Well, you know what you have to do for that." Daddy unzips his fly and the daughter gets on her knees to do :
what she has to do in order to borrow the car. Daughter: "Daddy, this tastes like shit!!" Daddy: (snapping fingers) "Oh, I forgot -- your brother has the car tonight!" :
The locals in West Virginia have recently discovered a new use for sheep -- to make wool! :
Question: Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia? Answer: Because no one could find three wise men or a virgin! :
Question: How can you tell the rich folks from the poor folks in West Virginia? Answer: The rich folks have two cars on cinder blocks on the front lawn! :
Question: "What is the state flower of West Virginia?" Answer: "The satellite dish!" :
Question: "What's a shame?" Answer: "A busload of West Virginians going over a cliff with one empty seat." :
Question: "How do you save a drowning West Virginian?" Answer: "Throw him an anchor." :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a West Virginian and a monkey?" Answer: "Nothing, monkeys are too intelligent to fuck a West Virginian." :
Question: "What's does a West Virginian say during foreplay?" Answer: "Oh, honey, I'm so drunk!" :
Question: "What's the West Virginia mating call?" Answer: "Get in the truck, bitch!" :
Question: What do you call a 300 pound woman in West Virginia? Answer: Anorexic! :
Question: How do you break up a race riot on 125th street? Answer: Throw in a basketball! :
Question: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times? Answer: Widowed! :
Question: What do you call a woman with only one asshole? Answer: Single! :
Question: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a homosexual? Answer: A Rectal-sore-anus! :
Question: What do get when you cross a pit-bull with a prostitute? Answer: Your last blow job! :
Question: "What do you get when you combine marijuana with an aphrodisiac?" Answer: "Tumble Weed!" :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?" Answer: "A dick-tator!" :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?" Answer: "A piece of ass that'll make your eyes water!" ALTERNATE Answer: A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes!" :
Question: "What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?" Answer: "A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!" :
Question: "What has 1,000 legs and can't walk?" Answer: "Jerry's kids." :
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp? Answer: One is a cold blooded, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish! :
Question: What's the difference between a hog and a drunk? Answer: A hog would never stay up all night trying to fuck a pig! :
Question: What is the difference between blondes and 747's? Answer: A lot of guys haven't been on a 747! :
Question: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Answer: Beer nuts cost about a-dollar-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck! :
Question: What's the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian kiss? Answer: They're almost identical, but the Australian kiss is down under! :
Question: What's the difference between Moose Head in Virginia and West Virginia? Answer: In Virginia, it's a beer -- in West Virginia, it's a felony! :
Question: "What's the difference between Lady Godiva and three guys searching for a lost golf ball?" Answer: "One is a hunt on a course!" :
Question: "What's the difference between snow-men and snow-women?" Answer: "Snow-balls!" :
Question: "What's the difference between Bella Abzug and a bowling ball?" Answer: "If you had to, you could eat the bowling ball." :
Question: "What's the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball?" Answer: "You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball!" :
Question: "What's the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball?" Answer: "If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball." :
Question: "What's the difference between a a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic oysterman?" Answer: "The oysterman shucks between fits." :
Question: "What's the difference between a band of pygmies and a girl's track team?" Answer: "The pygmies are a cunning bunch of runts!" :
Question: What's black and white and red all over? Answer: A skunk in a blender! :
Question: What's brown and sits in the woods? Answer: Winnie's pooh! :
Question: Why did the feminist cross the road? Answer: Never mind that, what the hell was the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!?!! :
Question: "Why did the pervert cross the road?" Answer: "Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!" :
Question: "What do 40,000 battered wives have in common?" Answer: "They just won't listen!" :
Question: Why do women have two sets of lips? Answer: So they can piss and moan at the same time! :
Question: Why do women have nipples? Answer: So they can make suckers out of men! :
HELP! I NEED YOUR HELP!! THE FOLLOWING PUNCHLINE IS SORELY IN NEED OF A SETUP! CAN YOU CREATE ONE? HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT! HERE IS THE ANSWER IN NEED OF A QUESTION: :
Answer: "Don't worry, your check is in my mouth and I won't come in your mailbox." :
Two little drunks walking home when one realizes he has no keys to his house. His fried says "I'll turn on the flashlight and you can crawl up the beam and get in up stairs" He replies "No way I'd get half way up and you'd turn off the light " :
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up :
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" :
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. :
Yo momma so fat were in her right now :
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise :
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone :
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors :
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... :
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world :
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy :
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! :
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! :
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" :
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" :
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized :
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway :
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller :
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets :
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th :
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too :
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" :
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! :
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" :
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. :
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. :
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. :
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. :
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! :
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! :
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! :
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! :
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! :
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! :
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... :
Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. :
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! :
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! :
Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her :
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! :
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! :
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! :
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. :
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! :
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! :
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! :
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! :
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! :
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! :
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! :
Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! :
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! :
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! :
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! :
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! :
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! :
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! :
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! :
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! :
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! :
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! :
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! :
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. :
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping :
Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. :
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. :
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. :
Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again. :
Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. :
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. :
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. :
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. :
Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. :
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. :
Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her :
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. :
Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass :
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on theother side just to get her through :
Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. :
Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. :
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. :
Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. :
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! :
Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water :
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth :
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures :
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. :
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. :
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. :
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... :
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. :
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. :
Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. :
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. :
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" :
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! :
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. :
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! :
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. :
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship :
Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth :
Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons :
Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her :
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!! :
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off!!! :
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!! :
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development :
Yo momma so fat she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94" :
Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans :
Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck :
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes :
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends :
Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read :
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind :
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl :
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! :
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! :
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! :
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! :
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! :
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! :
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! :
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. :
Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. :
Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" :
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. :
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." :
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. :
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. :
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. :
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. :
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. :
Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. :
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. :
Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." :
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. :
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! :
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! :
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! :
Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. :
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. :
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. :
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. :
Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. :
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. :
Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." :
Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. :
Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. :
Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. :
Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course :
Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book :
Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. :
Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler" :
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus :
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg :
Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper :
Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home. :
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's :
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." :
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. :
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." :
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. :
Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower :
Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. :
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck :
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. :
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras :
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her :
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. :
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" :
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. :
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. :
Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. :
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. :
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote! :
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! :
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! :
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! :
Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! :
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! :
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! :
Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life :
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. :
Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. :
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. :
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. :
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. :
Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like shit because he would rather kiss her ass. :
Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow :
Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. :
Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! :
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! :
Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' :
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. :
Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! :
Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! :
Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. :
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. :
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. :
Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. :
Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. :
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. :
Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. :
Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". :
Yo momma so old she was Jesus Wet Nurse :
Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang :
Yo momma so old even God calls her mother! :
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." :
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! :
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! :
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! :
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" :
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. :
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. :
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. :
Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." :
Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. :
Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. :
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money :
Yo momma so poor you go out for sunday pushes of the skateboard :
Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent! :
Yo momma so dark she spits chocolate milk! :
Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. :
Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers. :
Yo momma so dark when people refer to Darkness comming in the future they refer to her next visit. :
Yo momma so dark they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the darkest heart of Africa" :
Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater. :
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence! :
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. :
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb. :
Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed. :
Yo momma so short she models for trophys. :
Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip :
Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick :
Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt :
Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! :
Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down. :
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach :
Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left. :
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave :
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. :
Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape. :
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off :
Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection. :
Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place :
Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarentine since before she was born :
Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma :
Yo momma so nasty the bitches teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!! :
Yo momma so nasty she has two pussys and they both stink. :
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea :
Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her :
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay :
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! :
Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! :
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! :
Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! :
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! :
Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! :
Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! :
Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! :
Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! :
Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! :
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing :
Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! :
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! :
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. :
Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. :
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. :
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" :
Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" :
Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. :
Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! :
Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. :
Yo momma like a potatoe chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..." :
Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size :
Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! :
Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! :
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. :
Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! :
Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. :
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro! :
Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker :
Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! :
Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball! :
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt! :
Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs" :
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. :
Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive :
Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times. :
Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick! :
Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. :
Yo momma so slutty John Holmes just looked at her and got AIDS :
Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecomming Disease :
Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline. :
Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers! :
Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat! :
Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! :
Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! :
Yo momma so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her :
Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! :
Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! :
Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter :
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. :
Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio :
Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. :
Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared. :
Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! :
Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind :
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. :
Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. :
Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. :
Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. :
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall! :
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving. :
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. :
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle. :
Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. :
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. :
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper. :
Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. :
Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree. :
Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. :
Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights. :
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand. :
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it. :
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles. :
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude. :
Yo momma has no ears.... I seen the bitch trying on sunglasses :
Yo momma has an ass soo big she has to shit in a dumpster :
Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger! :
Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward. :
Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo. :
Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it. :
Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns. :
Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!! :
Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches. :
Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail. :
Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns. :
Yo momma got eyes in her butt talking about "Damn, did you see that shit?!" :
Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza. :
Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind. :
Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies! :
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. :
Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches. :
Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice. :
Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts. :
Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar. :
Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. :
Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. :
Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" :
Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! :
Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! :
Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. :
Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. :
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. :
Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. :
Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. :
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. :
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. :
Yo momma twice the man you are. :
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. :
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. :
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. :
Do you know how to save three drowning lawyers? No? Good!! :
What do you call 10 lawyers buried in ant hills up to their necks? A start. :
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road, and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? A: The snake has skid marks in fromt of it. :
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass. :
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand :
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery :
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. :
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. :
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. :
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. :
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. :
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." ... :
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" :
A lawyer did some estate work for an old widow woman. He presented a bill for $1,000 to her which she promptly paid. After she had left, the lawyer looked at the check and saw that she had made it out for $10,000.... :
He pondered and pondered the ethical question that confronted him. Should he tell his partners? :
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" :
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast :
and promptly changed the subject. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, :
"I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" :
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the ... :
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, ... :
and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." :
A blind rabbit and a blind snake were hopping and slithering through the forest one day and happened to bump into each other. The snake asks "What are you?" The rabbit replied, "I don't know, I am blind what are you?" The snake replied, "I don't know :
either, I am also blind, but lets feel each other all over and maybe we can tell" The rabbit said "Ok you go first" So the snake slithered all over the rabbit and finally said," Well you're soft and furry, you must be a rabbit!" Then the rabbit :
felt the snake all over as best he could and said "Well, you're cold, slimy and don't have any balls, you must be a LAWYER!" :
Q:What do you do if you're trapped in a room with a murderer, a terrorist, and a lawyer, and you've only got two bullets left in your gun? A:Shoot the lawyer twice. :
A doctor, architect and a lawyer were at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The doctor's dog was first. "Hippocrates, come!" :
the doctor said. The dog ran in, and was told to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the rough by the first fairway, dug up a number of bones, dragged them back to the country club and assembled them into a complete, human skeleton. The physician :
patted Hippocrates and gave him a cookie. Only marginally impressed, the architect called, "Here, Sliderule!" The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a perfect scale model of the Taj Mahal. :
The architect patted his pooch and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched these performances and then called, "Bullsh*t! Come!" His dog entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullsh*t immediately sodomized the first two dogs, stole their cookies, :
auctioned off the Taj Mahal replica to other country club members at a huge profit, and then ran outside and played 18 holes of golf. :
Then there's the story about the lawyer who died and went to heaven. When he got to Saint Peter, he began arguingg that he was too young to die. Saint Pete gets out the book and tells him, "It says here that you were supposed to die at age 41." :
The lawyer says, "I knew there was a mistake, I'm only 36!" Peter tells him to wait while they check the records. A few hours later, he comes back and tells the lawyer, "You're right, there was an error. We checked the work log that you used :
to bill your time to your clients. According to that, you must be at least 62 and we should have gotten you 21 years ago!" :
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the :
barn. So the priest volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the priest who protests "There is a cow in :
the barn. I forgot about my severe allergies to livestock." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the priest, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the priest and the lawyer are getting ready :
to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!" Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the :
rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow... :
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? A: The bucket :
Q: What is the definition of a shame? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. :
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. :
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start. :
Q: How does a lawyer say, "Fuck you?" A: "Trust me!" :
Q: What have you got when you have 1000 lawers buried to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand. :
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. :
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rat to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. :
First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there's some things a rat just won't do." :
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp? Answer: One is a cold blooded, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish! :
Client: For $500.00, will you answer a couple of questions for me? Lawyer: Yes. What's the second question? :
Question: What do you call a lawyer with a 50 I.Q.? Answer: "Your Honor!" :
Question: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures? Answer: Vultures don't accumulate frequent flyer points! :
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bag of shit? Answer: The bag! :
In the middle ground between heaven and hell, Jesus Christ and the devil make an agreement to each paint their respective sides of the fence. Jesus kept his end of the bargain, by painting his side a brilliant shade of pearly white. Jesus is annoyed :
with the devil for continually procastinating. After thirty days, Jesus threatens to sue the devil for breach of contract. Devil: "Go ahead, sue me -- where in the hell do you think you're going to find a lawyer?!" :
Question: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? Answer: A rooster clucks defiance! :
Riddle: What can a swan do, that a duck cannot do, that a lawyer ought to do? Answer: Stick its bill up its ass! :
Question: What's brown and looks good around a Lawyer's neck? Answer: A Doberman Pinscher!! :
Question: What's the difference between a dead Possum lying in the road and a dead Lawyer lying in the road? Answer: You can see skid marks in front of the Possum!! :
Question: Why do Lawyers wear ties? Answer: To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads!! :
Question: Why do they bury dead Lawyers 20 feet under the earth? Answer: Because deep down, they're really good! :
Question: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? Answer: A rooster clucks defiance! :
Q: What kind of fun does a priest have? A: None. :
Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups??? A: Tell her she's pregnant!!! :
Q: What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field. :
Q: What is the definition of innocence? A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice. :
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A: A roaming catholic. :
Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A: A tran-sister. :
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy. :
Q: What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head! :
Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it" :
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles" :
Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent." Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them." Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24." :
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy? Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars. :
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit." :
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" :
A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. :
As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!" :
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter :
told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of :
the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" :
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is :
married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to :
the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too : :
My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party". :
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. :
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him. :
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!" :
These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!" :
